Talking From Authenticity

Talking From Authenticity

CB012 - Talking From Authenticity

When talking with others it is important to talk from a place of authenticity rather than focussing upon whether or not you think you might be a ‘fraud’.

The more you try and impress others with ‘big’ words and exaggerated behaviours designed to make others think you are a star, the more you will drive them away. Instead of people thinking how good you are they will view you as shallow and self centered.

If only you focussed on them and allowed your authenticity to drive the conversation then what a difference that would make. Be sure to listen to this exciting episode of Confidence Bytes to find out more. You can choose to watch it on YouTube, download from iTunes, play here on this page or download the show notes by clicking on the relevant button below.

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CB012 - Talking From Authenticity

Hi there, it’s Stuart again with another exciting episode of Confidence Bytes and today I want to talk about Authenticity, you know, coming from who you really are.

So let me ask you a question:

Have you ever felt like an imposter - say at work? Have you ever been scared that people will find you out, that you’re not really good enough to do the job you’ve been promoted to or something along those lines?

And because of this you’re always checking, you’re always trying to be someone that you’re not really are.

Maybe, maybe you have, erm, a lot of language that you’ve tried to bring in and it’s not your language, you sound, you know, you use pontifical words or things like that, that really just don’t suit you.

And maybe you’re even using the words which look good in the dictionary but they’re not really in the right context because you’re so focussed that you have to be this super professional person and you have to, you know, never make a mistake.

Well think about this for a second: who is it that somebody wants to speak to? Is it this ‘god’ or is it a real person?

Now I’m pretty sure that you like speaking to real people and maybe you like listening to me because I make mistakes, because I am a real person, I’m not this super perfect person.

What I’m talking about comes from my heart. It comes from my brain as well because I have knowledge, I have an understanding, but it’s more the way I put it across. It’s from the heart which makes me connect with you.

So think about that for a second…

Connecting with another person.

You know, if you are always focussed on - ‘Am I making a mistake? Do I sound good? Is that the right word? Is that the right phrase? Do people think I’m an imposter?’ - what message are you giving the other people?

You’re giving the message of insecurity, you’re giving a message of ‘I don’t trust myself, I don’t believe in myself.’ And you’re also giving the message that you’re wrapped up in yourself. You’re not communicating with, you’re projecting something which is not real, it’s artificial, so you can’t be engaging because you’re looking inward all the time.

You’re not looking at the other person, you’re not appreciating the other person, you’re wondering whether they’re going to ‘find you out’, you’re thinking negatively about yourself.

So, what can you do to change that?

Well, obviously it’s so easy to say - ‘Have belief in yourself’ - but where does that belief come from? How can you generate that belief?

Well, if you’re talking about something, let’s say, erm, there’s a topic that comes up. You need to talk from your own knowledge of that topic and, you know, if we take a work situation, you’re not 100% sure, do some homework.

Find out about it so you can talk from a place of genuine knowledge and then put your personality into it - “I’ve read this and this is what I think.” - not “This is what it is!” - “What I think”, “This is my interpretation of what I’ve read, what do you think?” - Make the connection, become engaged and listen to the other person okay?

Stop thinking about whether you’ve made a mistake, you know, if I make this video and I’m talking to you and I’m focussed on ‘Am I making a mistake?’, ‘Have I got my words right?’, ‘Have I got this?’, ‘Do I sound convincing?’ - all these things… What happens is you switch off - because I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to myself, I’m worried about myself.

Now obviously I don’t want to make mistakes. Now obviously I want to be, you know, to give you a genuine message but I have the knowledge, I’ve done some research beforehand and I’ve worked with people, I’ve got experience, so I am focussed on you…

I’m trying to give you the message in the best way I can with my abilities. I’m hoping that I’ve got enough skill and I’ve got enough knowledge that you resonate with my message. If you do, that’s great. If not, you know, well maybe you’re not the person who needs to be listening to me, maybe someone else has got the same message and it will resonate with you more.

And if I’m making too many mistakes then you can write to me, you can send a comment and say “Look Stuart, you, you need to do this, you need to do that, you need to do that…” and I will take it to heart - not take, take it to heart - I will take it on board without taking it to heart and being upset by it. I will say “Thank you. Thank you for being honest with me and telling me what you feel.”

Because, you know, I can’t learn, I can’t get better unless you talk to me. I can’t get better unless you communicate with me because communication is a two way street. It’s not me lecturing, it’s me communicating with you.

So let’s go back to our work situation where, you know, let’s call him John, he feels he’s an imposter. You know, he’s scared of being found out that he doesn’t know enough.

Well, heres’s the fist thing. If he doesn’t know enough then he needs to do some homework, you know, find out more knowledge okay. Get some more information and also be asking genuine questions so he can get that knowledge, it can help him, you know, get that knowledge. But he needs to, you know, think about who he’s talking to and focus on them, not focus on - “Am I coming across as knowledgable?”, “Am I coming across as this?” or “Am I coming across as that?” - he needs too focus on them and communicate with them.

He needs to be listening to them and saying to himself - ‘OK, are they understanding my message? If not then I need to change the message and deliver it in a slightly different way so that they can understand it.’ - but not focus on: ‘Mistake. Am I making a mistake?’, ‘ Did I make the wrong choice of words?’, ‘Did I do this?’

And you know, this type of thing is also something which crucifies people when they have to give a presentation. They stand on the stage and they focus on “I mustn’t make a mistake!” - Ok, they’re looking inside, I’ve closed my eyes because I’m looking inside, I’m looking at mistakes, I’m looking ‘Do I know this, am I confident to do this?’ and - forget, forget, forget!

You know, I’ve given many presentations and I go on there and I make mistakes, I drop things, I say the wrong things - (laughs) I laugh at myself because I made a mistake. But you know, it’s no problem, I can always get back and, you know, if, if, if, erm, I say something which comes out a little bit jumbled or the words are wrong who cares?

The audience don’t because they are listening to a person. Someone who’s connecting and engaged with them not someone who’s inwardly focussed and foc… focussing on ‘Don’t make a mistake.’, ‘ I’m not this, I’m not that.’, ‘That didn’t sound right…’ and then just freezing up ok.

Maybe I walk on stage and I trip - ‘dink’ (laughs) - I laugh at it! Make a joke of it, make a focal point out of it. And, you know, that reminds me of, erm, a story, errr, a true story actually, it was in a book I read called Provocative Hypnosis by - sigh - Jorgen Rasmussen.

He had a client who came to him and this client was petrified of giving a presentation so after a bit of discussion and everything else Jorgen said to him, he said: “I want you, on your next presentation, to go on that stage and I want you to say to the audience that ‘I am petrified and I hope that you all laugh at me because somebody might get, as well get some benefit from it, somebody might as well have some fun out of it because I’m not going to be doing that.’

And, you know, he did this, he was a little bit reluctant but he did this. And you know what happened?

The whole audience laughed, the whole audience warmed to him and it took that fear away from him so that he was able to communicate at a proper level at a friendly level as though he was talking to a friend. Just like I’m talking to you who are my friends.

So think about that. When is it that you are petrified of being found out?

And what is it you’re really petrified of? Making mistakes, being an imposter or something deeper?

Probably something deeper, maybe these surface level things, but, again, if you don’t genuinely have the knowledge, get the knowledge.

And then put it into your words and communicate on a proper way just like you would to a friend, with the other person be aware of their actions, listen to them and adjust your delivery and maybe the word choices so they can get the message, the message that you are putting across - OK.

That’s the important point, get that message, ok, and if you’re talking to more than one person, if you’re talking to a big audience, you’re still only talking to ‘one’ person, you can look at each person in turn and you communicate with them individually.

You don’t just, like I’ve seen many people (looks at ceiling rigidly) “dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah,” and that’s it - it’s just talking from in the head to the clouds.

They’re not talking to anybody so that disconnect is there.

Okay?

So, that was a quick tip, I’ve got a really exciting interview coming up next program. It’s with a wonderful woman and she’s talking about how you can add value to your life and other people’s lives in, you know, just little things you do can add value and how they can have remarkable effects.

So you stay tuned for the next program because that really is going to be very, very special. This woman is a wonderful woman, I’ve just got off the phone with her from a preliminary chat and I tell you she’s got some wonderful advice for you.

So, I’m looking forward to seeing you next program where I’ll have a special guest, Virginia Phillips and she has got some wonderful, wonderful things to share with you.

So have a great day and just think about communication, connecting with the other people, don’ think about ‘Am I making mistakes?’ don’t think about ‘Am I an imposter?’ - just think about communicating and then build your confidence around the fact that people want to communicate with you because you have value for them.

Thanks for watching.

See you next time.

Top 10 Skills All Leaders Need

Top 10 Skills All Leaders Need

Top Ten Skills All Leaders Need

What are some of the skills that leaders need to possess in order to thrive in the workplace? Here at Double C Coaching we know the importance that a good leader can have on your career. We also know the importance of being a good leader to others, here are the top ten skills all leaders need.

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Fuelling Your Confident Smile

Fuelling Your Confident Smile

Fuelling Your Confident Smile

CB011 - A Confident Smile is infectious. Not only do they make you feel good but they make others feel really god too… In fact many sales people and others who interact with the public every day practice smiling many times before they meet anyone.

This means having a ready confident smile to hand can really brighten your day but how do you fuel your confident smile? How do you find the driver that makes your smile real?

You’ll find out as you watch the latest episode of Confidence Bytes.

For help building your confidence:

Contact me here

 

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CB011 - Fuelling Your Confident Smile

Hi there,

It’s Stuart again with another episode of Confidence Bytes and today I want to talk to you about ‘doing’.

You see:

You won’t get confident from reading books.

You won’t get confident from listening to tapes.

You won’t get confident from watching videos.

You can only get confident by doing.

Now, reading books, watching videos, listening to tapes can help, yes. They can give you a better understanding of different behaviours and how other people have got confident but unless you actually step out and do something it’s not going to make you confident on its own.

Now, I understand that just ‘doing’ can be very scary because, you know, it’s a big thing to change from being, you know, from having a lack of confidence to going to be be more confident. So we’re going to talk today about doing things in baby steps.

You know, do the smallest thing you can right now…

Now, obviously, one of the big things that’s going to make you feel better about yourself is to smile, ok, because smiles fuel your behaviour. It’s not for nothing that for many sales trainers, many people that interact with the public, they have a time that they are asked to practice their smiles because it makes people interact better with them.

In fact, I was listening to an audio tape of a, a mentor of mine and he said that when he was working for a non profit - in the morning he, they had to practice their smile fifty times before they were able to interact or allowed to interact with members of the public.

Think about that…

You know, if you practice your smile fifty times every single morning it’s going to change your whole mood, it’s going to change your whole demeanour. You know, a smile is infectious.

It also stimulates your feelings in yourself.

Now, think about smiling. If you just, you know, say you’ve got a bad mood and you just go mmmmm, put this crazy smile on your face, you know, it doesn’t help you.

You need an emotion to drive that smile, to make the smile ore genuine.

Now, I like to talk to you so it’s easy for me to put a big smile on my face right now and talk to you. And, as I do that it makes me want to smile more and more and more because I’ve practised my smiles, I’ve made them work.

And what is it about the emotion, what emotion is it that makes people smile?

Well there’s humour, you know, if you think of a TV show or a movie or just some funny incident. That can make you smile on its own.

There could be love, maybe from a parent, maybe from a child, maybe from a friend, maybe from a pet, it doesn’t matter, but the love that they show you makes you smile in a different way. It makes you appreciate being you because they’re showing the love for you.

So, what I want you to do. I want you to go out and think about all the different situations that you’ve smiled.

Now let’s take a funny incident on a TV shoe, show a comae, a comedian or maybe even a movie or something like that, something that you found very, very funny.

Get that memory now, think back to it. Get the feelings starting to burst through you, get that smile on your face, ok, and just feel it. Let it permeate, let all the goodness come from this emotion.

And now - keep the emotion, keep the feeling, keep the smile but let the memory go, ok. Just let the memory drift away but keep that emotion, keep that smile and use that as a fuel that you can take with you anywhere to power that smile.

And it’s going to take practice, you need to be doing this many times a day ok. And do the same thing with other, other things that have made you smile. As I say, feeling appreciated, feeling good because you did something that makes you smile, all these things, start capturing them, start remembering them and relive in that moment and how you felt, how good you felt and how you smiled. OK.

As you do that, allow the memory to just drift away and get less and less and less but keep that feeling, keep that emotion, ok, because what you’re doing is you’re collecting the emotions that make you smile more. OK. The emotions that make you smile more.

And they will power your smile and they will infect other people and they will make your day so much better.

So. Practice that religiously every single day. If you can, you know, it might sound crazy at first but practice it fifty times every morning before you set foot out of your house, before you interact with other people - get that smile on your face.

Maybe you’re one of the people who needs a cup of coffee in the morning… if that’s you, grab that coffee, drink a sip or just smell it and, mmmmm, smile because it makes you feel good.

It’s so easy, but not enough people do it that’s why we get all these miserable faces walking down the street.

And once you’ve done that, just get those feelings, get these emotions and whoever you come interact, into, you know, face to face interaction with, just smile at them, maybe it’s a shopkeeper, just smile…

You know, a few years ago I went back to the UK, because I live in China and I hadn’t been there for a long time, and I was visiting friends and family and I went to the supermarket.

And as I’m at the supermarket I was waiting in the queue the checker, the girl smiled at me with this really wonderful warm smile and I was like - “What?” - I looked behind me, (laughs) because, you know, I’d forgotten what it was like for people to smile in the supermarket because where I live there’s not many smiles in the supermarket. It seems to be a thing that doesn’t happen so often.

But, there, the girl, she just said “Hi! How are you?” and it made me feel so wonderful to be appreciated because, you know, that’s what it was, she was just appreciating, she was happy to see me. I’ve never seen her before, I’ve never met her before, I was just another customer but she made me feel like a million dollars because she smiled at me in a genuine way.

So you practice that.

You go out and you do that, you capture those emotions, you capture those feelings and you put them into your smile, you put that smile in your pocket, you take it with you and whoever you come into contact with you take it out and you put it on and you make it genuine and it will make the biggest difference to your confidence and it will make the biggest difference to their day.

Because you are showing appreciation.

So that’s one thing. Now going on to what I said at the beginning or going back to what I said at the beginning - take baby steps. I don’t want you to take baby steps with your smiling because that’s important to get right. It isn’t easy to get right but obviously you can’t spend the whole day going around like a, you know, grinning like a ‘Cheshire Cat’, so jut do it with a couple of people. If it doesn’t make, you know, if, if you’re a little bit nervous about it, just do it with one person everyday.

Just make a point, one person a day - see how they change, then do it with two people and then just multiply from there.

And, you know, you are not alone in not feeling confident about yourself. Some of the greats, some of the most famous people in the world have a lack of confidence, you know, people like Fred Astaire.

You, you wouldn't believe, but if you read his history, he was not happy about his performance ever. he was a perfectionist because he didn’t have the confidence that he was a great dancer, probably one of the best dancers in the world.

Marilyn Monroe - she had lots and lots of problems with stage fright because of a lack of confidence in her abilities but you wouldn’t see that when she acted.

They managed to get over it. It took time, it took effort, and you can do the same.

So, let me assume that you want to have a meeting and you don’t like meeting new people because, I was this way, you know, I was this way at one time. I’d go into a room with people and I’d just stand around.

I didn’t like to be there, I didn’t know what to say to anybody, and I saw them all talking and then I wished that someone would invite me over but I didn’t so I kept being left out.

So what can you do?

Well you can go to this meeting and if you’re very, very uncomfortable and it’s something, you know, you, you’re going to be going back again, you can just sort of sit there, blend in or stand there and blend in a little bit and just walk around and just smile at people. Ok.

You don’t have to say anything. But you just walk around and you get comfortable with the area.

Now, over time, this comfort allows people to get comfortable with you and you to get comfortable with them and then you can start talking. But, you know, maybe the first time you don’t have to do that, maybe the second time is, is when you want to do it.

But just practice with a smile, start with a smile and say ‘“Hi, how are you?” - That’s it, ‘Hi how are you?’ and they will respond and when they respond you’ve got an introduction, you’ve got a little bit of a, you know, a reason to talk. And then you can ask a genuine question, you know, “Why did you…” you know, “Why did you come here?”

If it’s a meeting you have to come to or you’ve not met this person before in the company or whatever then you can just ask, you know, ‘Where do you work, what do you do?’ Just ask a simple, simple question, show genuine appreciation, have a smile and then carry on.

And you’ll be surprised how quickly this can change your demeanour, your behaviour because that smile is driving you and you’re taking small steps. I mean you don’t have to meet a person for the first time and discuss Einstein’s Theory Of Relativity…

You know - “How are you?”, “You know, the weather’s not so good today is it?” you know, just talk about anything innocuous and then listen, appreciate the other person, listen to their answers. They will give you the things you need to talk about.

So, think about the situation that you don’t feel confident in and I don’t want you to think about “I’m never confident!” I want you to pick a situation that’s important to you now and it’s something that you want to work on.
OK?

And think about the smallest, smallest thing that you can do now to go out and interact with the people or to act differently and remember it’s going to start with that smile. So that smile is at the practice, the beginning and then think about ‘What’s the smallest thing I can do?’

Maybe I’ve got a meeting with my co-workers and I don’t know who they are, you know, because some of them, you know, it’s a big company, some of them I’ve worked with, some I haven’t.

I can say hello to those and I can, can just walk up to the other people, smile, “Hi, how are you?” “Nice to meet you, what’s your name?”

“Oh my name’s Fred.”

“Oh, my name’s John. I work in the, the erm, accounts department. Where do you work?”

Simple things. And then you’ll start to get to know people.

So think about what it is. The smallest thing you can do right now. Think about the area you want to be more confident in. Take the smallest steps, go out there with that smile that you’ve been practicing and make it happen.

And, I tell you, by going out by going and doing things, you’re going to be building your confidence all the time, all the time, all the time and soon you’ll be supercharged with confidence because you learned to smile.

Now, if you are a very, very, very shy person, if you have a really big problem with confidence, I understand a chall, what a challenge it can be. And, you know, sometimes you might need some professional help.

One of the tools which is very, very good and very powerful at helping you build confidence is hypnosis. You know, if you go to a qualified hypnotist or hypnotherapist like myself they can give you some, you know, really powerful help to get you more confident.

But you can also get it by talking, you know, interacting with other people, maybe your friends, maybe a family member. So think about, you know, the people who could help you and, you know, you have to be specific.
Where is it that you want more confidence? And, you know, there’s many, many areas - just focus on one now.

Is it ‘I’m too shy to go out?’ Well how are you going to get past that, ok?

Well, the easy way is to put on clothes that make you feel good, smile at yourself, look at yourself and then just go for a small walk. Go to a couple of shops where, you know, there’s plenty of people that, you know, you can just hide amongst the crowd.

There’s so many ways… we don’t have time for all that right now though but, if you want to get hold of me, if you want to talk to me, at no charge, you just get hold of me from going to my website, look for the ‘Contact’, send me a contact message and then we can take it from there and I guarantee that you can change and become a more confident person any time you want.

So, see the smile, practice it, get it on your face, let it make you feel good and I’ll speak to you next time with another exciting ‘Confidence Byte’

Thanks for watching.

Creating a Happier Work Life Balance

youth-active-jump-happy-40815

Getting that work-life balance is one of those phrases that seems to be very popular at the moment.  We are constantly urged to look at our lives and see what changes we can make to work smarter, not harder and to be more productive while still having time away from the office.  Sometimes, it is easier said than done!  But there are some good tips out there to help achieve some of these aims that everyone can use.

Bringing in the balance

To achieve your own version of a happier work-life balance, you will often have to learn about saying no.  Sounds simple, such a little word!  But there are deep meanings in our psyche that mean in a work environment, we often don’t say the word.  We say ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’ or we create excuses in its place.

Sometimes it is about confidence and being able to say no in a polite, authoritative way.  We don’t need to be snappy or sharp nor do we need to give a ten-minute lecture on why we won’t do what we are being asked.  We simply need the confidence to say ‘sorry, no that doesn’t work for me’.

Delegating and being a better leader

For others, the problem is more about letting go a little and allowing others to do their share while becoming a better leader.  There is always the urge to do everything yourself to make sure it is done properly but this kills morale in your team.  You need to have confidence in the people who work with or for you and allow them to do their job.  This in turn allows you to ease off, go home and relax.

The little things

Sometimes the problem comes from the little things and top of the list is checking your work email outside work.  A few years back there was a story that the French government was going to ban workers from checking emails after 6pm.  While it didn’t prove to be true, it highlighted a growing problem – we can’t leave work at work.  The always-on approach means we are constantly connected to our job even when we are at home.  So set a time limit and once you leave the office, don’t check that work account.

Getting a happier work life balance is really about setting yourself goals about what you want to achieve and how you are going to do this.  Plan for the future and give yourself something to aim for – it might be the next family holiday, a move of house in a few years or even planning for your retirement.  Use this planning to focus your out-of-work time and move your attention away from your job.

We Asked Successful Business Women for their Top Tips

Lillie Cawthorn, author of the international bestselling book, The Money Factory says “Surround yourself with positive people who believe in you. When negative people bring you down, repeat your affirmations, double time! Stay strong, never give up, no one else is doing what you do!”

Tierra Wilson - who is Tierra? Can we add something like business woman or whatever her role is to this? - adds “The best piece of advice I can give to any business woman who is looking to achieve work-life balance is to ask yourself honestly, what does work-life balance mean to you?

It worked for me and allowed me to put together an actual strategy that has worked. After working too hard for over a year, my yearly checkup with my doctor gave me a grave warning that I needed to change my lifestyle immediately. Not only had I gained too much weight, but I also had vitamin deficiencies, a lowered immune system, borderline pre-diabetes, high cholesterol, chronic sinusitis, allergies, and more.

I was jeopardising my health for success. The same success that I would never get to enjoy if I didn’t start finding balance. I dug deep and asked myself some hard questions including:

What Does Work-Life Balance Look Like For You?
What In Your Life Can You Outsource?
What Would a Perfectly Balanced Week Look Like?
Do You Give Yourself Permission to Fail?

The biggest takeaway: Life is not perfect, and it doesn’t fit into little squares. For work-life balance to work, you have to give yourself permission to fail every day. Work-life balance isn’t about having a perfect life; it’s about trying to find balance every day, in the midst of chaos.”
Dr Karen Phillip says “The first thing women need to determine is what they want. Women deserve to have a career although they struggle with the guilt of working as a mother of young children. Social pressures place this upon them.

Balance within the home and relationship is essential and women need to learn how to achieve this support. Training, if you like, is required for husband and children, to enable them to step up and alleviate the pressure on the women. Women are sometimes their own worst enemy trying too be everything to everyone before becoming overwhelmed, angry and distressed. Women need to usually learn to delegate, hand over, and educate their family to step up to alleviate their pressure and reinforce the ability of their husband and kids.”

Finding Your Work Life Balance

There are some great resources out there to help you loosen the reins a little and allow your people to blossom.  I recently spoke to a fellow boss who had worked with Stuart from Double C Coaching who helped her be a better leader.  Don’t be afraid to get a fresh opinion on your leadership style and don’t try to be the martyr who does everything themselves.

How To Start A Conversation With Impact

How To Start A Conversation With Impact

CB010 – How To Start A Conversation With Impact

Opening a conversation with confidence and poise is crucial if you want to make a positive impact. The way you stand, think about yourself and more are vital. Listen in as we discuss three core principals that will give you a head start in your conversations and get the other party to listen with respect.

The Confidence Bytes shows will give you weekly confidence building tips in an easily digestible way. You will get little nuggets of sound advice, tips and tricks that you can put into use any time you want and help you grow more confident - don’t forget to subscribe and checkout the other episodes.

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CB010 - How To Start A Conversation With Impact

Hi there,

It’s Stuart again with another exciting episode of Confidence Bytes and today I want to talk to you about communicating with impact, and particularly the beginning of your conversation with another person - And obviously it starts with the greeting…

If this is a stranger or somebody you’re just meeting for the first time today, maybe you have a meeting with somebody then your initial greeting is key to starting off the meeting on a good foot.

And there are three factors to think about.

No 1 is how you feel within yourself, and this will affect everything else so it is crucial to get this part right.

And No 2 is the way you stand, your pose, your body posture, your body alignment.

And No 3, building on that, is smile - how you smile and how you address the other person.

So, we’re going to start with the first part which is your internal feeling because this is going to have the biggest impact on everything else. And, you know, if you’re a shy type of person it can be a little bit difficult to, you know, just greet people, to talk to people. And you might feel sort of like, you know, you’re, you’re looking down or you, you’ve got this crunched up body posture and you need to take that out of your system - and there’s a couple f ways you can do that.

The first thing is, obviously I’ve spoken in other shows about ‘I Am Good’, ‘I
Have Learned’, ‘My Success Diary’ - these things are critical in that process of building your self esteem, your appreciation for yourself, so if you haven’t started, go back to the other, earlier shows, and do the exercises. Start understanding how good you are, start understanding all the successes you’ve had, start understanding all the things you have learned which means you can learn more.

And you’ve done many things well, you’ve had many successes which means you can do more of those as well. And that includes having good conversations, having powerful communications with people.

So those are very, very critical.
Now, before you, you get to somebody and, and you start talking to them it’s a very good idea to have in your mind some tools and some tricks that you can use just to help you get into the right frame of mind.

So, I want to talk about ‘pride’, and I don’t want to talk about ‘arrogant pride’, the horrible pride, I want to talk about ‘accomplished pride’.

You know, within yourself, that you’ve done something very well and you’ve had a great result… and this makes you feel good, this makes you feel great. And it makes you feel, you know, proud of yourself and, and because of that your whole bearing, your whole posture changes.

Now, for me, I can think of one time straight away.

It was a few years ago now, when I was living in South Africa and I was an extra on a movie set. And this movie set was a period movie in, erm, in Viking times so we weren’t allowed to wear glasses, we weren’t allowed to wear watches, we weren’t allowed anything, you know, from modern day times.

And it was the night shift, and we were on, you know, booked for three whole nights, and one night we were stood there and we were waiting and waiting as you do on movies especially if you’re act - extras.

And one of the guys who’s a friend of mine came up to me and said you know, “Stuart, do you know what time it is?”

So, without thinking, I just looked up at the moon and I saw the position of the moon, it was just after full, so I said “Oh, it’s nine o’clock.”

And he looked at me and he said, you know, “Bullshit.” excuse the, the erm language, he said, you know, he didn’t believe me so he walked away and he found somebody who had a watch. And a few moments later he came back. And he said “How did you know that?”

And I just, you know, I knew because of the position of the moon and it was just after full and there’d been a full moon a couple of days before and each day after the full moon time, you know, it’s about 15 - 20 minutes, it’s in a different position in the sky.

But I din’t, you know, I didn’t think of that at the time. I just looked and said… and I felt so good within myself you know, as he told me as he came back with this sort of incredulous look on his face, I could feel my chest swelling with pride. I could feel my body opening. I could just feel my power.

And this is what I want you to do, I want you to find a memory, it could be, you know, when you were a child and you learned to write. You know most children when they learn to write the letters ‘a’ or ‘b’ or the numbers or a word or something, they’re so proud of it they’re running around showing everybody and they’re just going “Yes, yes, yes!”

Get a memory like that, okay.

Accomplished pride - something you did and you felt so good within yourself. Now, it could be you like cooking, it could be that you made this meal and everybody was just having ecstasy of delight over this meal and you felt so good within yourself because you created it and your friends, your guests, were having the most wonderful time enjoying it.

And you know how that makes you feel so good.

So this is the type of memory that you need to pick up okay.

Now, I want you to think carefully and you know, you may not be able to get this memory right now but get a memory similar to that, you know, and just think about it.

And think deeply about it, and if you’re driving, please stop, you know, doing this or stop driving if you can, if it’s safe, and do it, you know, in a safe place when you’re not driving.

And think of this emory, close your eyes, think of it, and just let the feelings, the feelings of goodness come up, and amplify them. Double them, double them, double them until they’re filling your body, they’re radiating out of your body and you can feel your body posture changing. You can feel your smile, you can just feel that ‘I did this!’

Just let it grow and grow and encourage it to grow more and more and more and more and just capture that emotion. Capture that feeling okay.

Now let it go away, and just feel the residue of energy it’s left you with, feel the residue of the body posture and everything else…

(Scratching noises in the background)

And if you hear scratching and things it’s my dog who’s at my feet and he’s just getting a bit restless - he wants attention (laughs)

So. Just capture those feelings, allow them to stay in you and then, close your eyes again, or of you’ve opened your eyes it’s fine, close them again. If they’re still closed leave them closed and then just remember that feeling again.

And now I want you to increase those feelings, bring them higher and higher. Double them, double them, double them and almost let them explode out of your body, okay.

Now, open your eyes, let the memory fade, keep the feelings, keep the feelings, and you can feel how your body posture has changed because you did that… you made something… you achieved something that’s worthy of celebrating.

OK?

So just enjoy that, bask in the glow of those feelings. And I want you to practice that many, many times on your own until it’s second nature, until just thinking about that incident allows your body to open and that pride come into you.

And, as I say, it’s not arrogant pride, it’s accomplished pride - something you achieved…

And, you know, as a celebration - “Yyyeeeesssss, I did it I did it! Yeeesssss, I’m so good.” And you just look at yourself in the mirror and you smile - okay - it’s a celebration because these are things that you should have learned how to do already and you need to be practicing every single day.

You keep doing these until they become second nature and whenever you’re with somebody you can just look at the person and as you look at them this memory comes into your mind there, your body changes, your face changes… Everything changes because you know you’re so special.

So you practice that. Make sure that you do it at least three, four or more times a day, and, you know, I’ve got this little elastic band - I keep talking about it, this, this memory dev, device, I keep talking about using your alarm on the phone because you have to make these habits until they’re so ingrained in you that you don’t even think about them, they just - ‘poomph’ - explode naturally.

Okay, now, I’ve just spoken about the victory salute ‘Yeeeessss, I’m so good, yes.’ remember them, do it, and, you know, obviously (laughs), I can just imagine - you know, you meet a stranger and you go, first thing you do - “Yeeesssss, I’m so good…” - this guy’s going to go ‘Pheeogh’, he’s gone, he’s going to run.

But, you don’t have to do the physical thing, you can remember it in your mind, you can just go through the thing in your mind and you can just get that feeling ok. That’s going to help you.

And if you have a meeting, you can obviously go to the bathroom, do it before the meeting and then go there. If you have an important phone call you do it before the phone call, pick up the phone and then you make the phone call.

So there are ways you can do it and once you’ve got it as a habit just thinking about it will make you, will change you, ok.

And I’m just thinking about it now (laughs) you know, and I’m smiling already, because I’m just feeling the energy from it ok.

Now, the other thing that’s very important is your body posture. And we’ve spoken about these… the authority pose, the power pose where you stand like superman, superwoman.

Obviously, if you’re going to have a meeting with your boss or something you can’t stand there like that, but there’s nothing to stop you just standing there with your shoulders back and, you know, having this proud bearing, your feet slightly apart - because, you know, if your feet are together like this, pressed together, it’s the biggest giveaway that you are insecure.

If your feet are wide and firm then people will take you with a lot more respect and they will see and they will feel your confidence.

Similarly, don’t have your shoulders hunched. Have your shoulders back. And now, here’s a couple of exercises and, you know, obviously, if you have, you know, a difficulty in movements and things like that please consult a doctor first and make sure that everything’s ok.

The first one is your, as I say, the chest open and you’re shoulders back. So what we do is we lift our arms up and put them back and then you feel your shoulder blades pressing together and as, you just drop your arms down you keep your shoulder blades pressing together.

And at first there’s effort involved, ok, now stan…sit there or stand there with your shoulder blades together and just lessen that effort by 50%, ok, 50% again, 50% again and your shoulder blades might move a slight bit but they will stay together a lot more and your chest will be open, your posture will be open - you’ll have more authority.

And by doing that, obviously, you can see it’s made my body more erect, I’m not slumped down, my body’s erect because my shoulder blades are back.

So, up, elbows out a bit, back, shoulder blades together, come down and do this and then, as I say, if you have any movement or issues like that just make sure with your doctor that it’s ok because we don’t want you to hurt yourself.

Now, practice this everyday sitting down watching TV, sitting down having a meal, sitting down in, you know, in a meeting - meeting, you can’t do that, But, you know, a meeting you can just put your shoulders back and push them like that once you get used to it. Relax, relax, 50%, 50% - I’ve not changed my bearing.

This is what you’re going to master…

This will immediately signal, because you’ve got your chest more open it will signal your confidence. You’re not trying to protect your vital areas, you’re open, you’re showing that ‘I am confident enough to be vulnerable.’

So, practice that at home. Get it so ingrained that just thinking about it makes your shoulders go back ok.

Now, next one is to do with your head. If I look directly at you like I’m doing now, I look more confident than I do if I’m like that. And also if I’m like that I’m closing my vocal area so my speech is not clear, it’s not coming from here, it’s coming from my nose more, you see.

So there is a position that if you move your head backwards and forwards ok, like that, it will just sit. It’s like there’s a little groove that it just ‘dunk’ fits into. And that’s your position.

Now, you need to find that, and again, do it very gently - and if you have any issues check with your doctor first - but you just move your head back, forward.

And if you want to start off with exaggeration, very slowly, very gently, look at the sky, look at the ground, look at the sky, look at the ground. And each time make it less and less. And as you get this rocking motion like this then suddenly ‘dunk’ it will fit in and just sit there. So you’re doing that, rocking gently and gently - ‘dunk’ now I feel comfortable. My shoulders are back, my head’s up, I’ve got my firm posture - I am radiating that I’m confident.

It’s as simple as that.

Now, it takes time to practice it so do it at home and what you’re looking for is, that, you know, you’re not having any perceptible movement. It’s just like… there. And it feels just so good.

So, practice, do the movements slowly, do the movements gently, there’s no forcing anything here. It’s just a nice gentle… and then you just go ‘gudchck’ and that’s it, you’re there.

And whilst you’re having the conversations you can be just scanning your body just to make sure, sometimes you might need a little bit of a boost and everything else so, you know, you just make sure everything works.

Ok, now the smile, ok.

Smiles are powerful.

Now if you’re going into the meeting with a boss or somebody like that you don’t run in there with this smile like a big ‘Cheshire Cat’, naaarh, it’s going to be very scary for that other person. If it’s a long lost friend you’ve not seen for a, a long time that’s a different matter but you know, you know, in, in a business meeting or with somebody you don’t know it’s more of a “Hi… I’m glad to meet you.”

So how do you practice that?

Well the first thing is you look at the person, ok.

Now, for some people it’s difficult to look somebody in the eyes so don’t focus on the eyes, focus just here (points to the bridge of the nose) they won’t know the difference but it gives you a lot more security.

So you look at the person and you have a warm gaze it’s not like a “Mmmmmmm” fierce antagonistic challenging gaze, it’s a nice warm gaze.

So you look at them with this warm gaze and you just appreciate them and as you appreciate them, after about half a second to a second you allow this smile to develop because you’re saying to them “I appreciate you.”

And then, obviously you, you carry that smile and you generate this feeling inside you, your, you know, your accomplished pride which makes the smile more real and more genuine, stronger and you just feel your body go into, feet nicely apart firmly on the ground. Your whole body opens, your, your, your authority pose, your superman pose and your head sits there and you’re just radiating this warm authority and confidence that tells the other person “I respect you”, “I am…” you know “okay in your company and I want to get to know you.”

Now, it’s going to take you time to practice it, but practice it little bit by little bit, ok, with your friends, with people you come into contact with, just, you know, as you’re talking just think about it and see how adjusting your posture, casually, makes a difference in the conversation - it will.

Just see how the way you can bring the smile, you know, makes the people feel better. Maybe you’re in a shop talking to a shop keeper and you just look at them and then you smile and say “How much is that?”

And you’ll see the change in their demeanour.

if they were slumped over the counter they could well stand up and… because they’re now looking at you with more respect because you’ve shown appreciation for them.

So, I want you to go about your day practicing these things, making a mental note of it, thinking about this incident that made you feel so good or these incidents that made you feel so good.

And go about your day with this feeling of accomplished pride in you and see how it changes you, see how it makes you smile more, see how it makes people warm to you, okay.

And go about your day doing that…

And don’t go about your day going “I’m so good!” and this arrogance and this nastiness…

It’s just this feeling that you know, you can handle anything that’s thrown at you.

Practice it, practice it, practice it. Put it into play with people. Notice how their reactions are, not how it makes you feel and just keep doing it and just keep growing that and you will become a powerful communicator… somebody who can communicate with impact because this first impression is the most important and it will open up the whole conversation afterwards.

Now, there’s only one thing I want to add to this and that is if you’re travelling into different cultures they have slightly different expectations. For instance, most people have heard about the Japanese with the bow and the person who’s higher authority than you bows less than the person who’s lower authority.

So you have to just take in the culture into consideration and that’s beyond the scope of this little program here. And you, you know, wherever you’re going, do some research on the culture so you’re not going there and insulting the people.

Handshakes are also important but different cultures have different forms of handshakes. For instance, in South Africa, especially with the Afrikaaner population, their handshake was so strong they were trying to crush you and yet some of the indigenous populations like the Xhosas and that, their handshake was much more gentle and sometimes it felt a little bit effeminate.

Also some cultures, they like to linger after the handshake. So the hands can be held for a little bit of a longer time.

There’s so many variations and you need, wherever you’re going to travel, if you’re going to travel, or whoever you’re going to meet from those different cultures, you need to discover those and, and do some research yourself.

But the basics of what I’ve just spoken about today are going to stand you in so much good stead.

So go away, find your feeling of accomplished pride - what is is that makes you feel so good? What is it that you’ve achieved? Grow the emotion, the feeling, the sensation so it’s there just like that. You can switch it on, you can switch it off and it radiates, it makes you, you know, this more powerful, this more open, this more confident person.

OK.

If you have any questions drop me a line or put something in the comments and I’ll get back to you and don’t forget to Tweet me - watch the other ones for the other tips, the other shows for the other tips. Listen to the other shows for the other tips.

And I will see you next with another great confidence byte!

Thanks for watching - ciao.

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