More Confidence - what Does It really Mean?
Hi there, it’s Stuart again with another exciting episode of Confidence Bytes.
Now, as I’m recording this episode the Olympic Games has just come to a close and whenever I see a big sports event like the Olympic Games or one of the other major events around the world I always think about the player who has a coach, in fact all the players have coaches, but I think about the coaches, the behind the scenes support that these players have.
And this is one of the primary reasons that they’re able to become the superstars that they are, and it’s not limited to players either, if you think about pop stars if you think about, erm, erm, movie stars, if you think about actors in general. The people who do the best are the guys who’ve got the support behind them and why should it be any different with you and your confidence?
Just think about it for a moment…
We all need support. Now when we were younger, possibly we had support from our parents. But sometimes that support may be a little tainted.
You know, I’ve spoken to you about the situation where a father has a child and he plans that this child is going to be ‘this’ when he grows older or when she grows older and he’s adamant that this is going to happen because his child is going to be ‘this’ person. So his support might be a little tainted to his dream and not your dream.
So this is why I have to be a little bit sort of, erm, er, careful with the support we get from our parents. Yes, generally it’s very good, but there are times when it’s a little bit biased one way or the other.
So, let me give you an example of how a good coach can make you perform more powerfully, more strongly than you ever thought possible. And this comes from a video I watched on YouTube and honestly I can’t remember for the life of me the name of the video or whether it was from a movie or what it was about but it’s an American football player and the coach was talking to the team and they were sort of, you know, a good team but they were, you know, down on their luck sort of thing, in the, erm, erm erm, league or whatever it was they were playing in.
And one of the guys, he’s a really big strong, strapping guy. He’s obviously one of the star players, he’s basically saying “What’s the point? We’re beaten anyway. What’s the point?”
And the coach took him to task, he said “OK I want you to, to show me something. I want you to show me how big and strong you really are.” or words to that effect.
“I want you to get down in a crab position on the grass and I want you to be blindfolded and I want you to start walking in the crab position… but to make it harder, let’s put somebody on your back.”
And he took one of the other players and he asked them to sit on his back.
So imagine this guy, you know, big strong guy, he’s in a crab position and he’s got a player on his back and he’s blindfolded and the coach was next to him and said “OK, now start walking forward.”
So the guy starts walking forward a little bit. Obviously it’s difficult you know (laughs) just walking in a crab blindfolded is not too easy but with a full grown guy on your back is even worse.
So this guy starts walking forward and the coach is encouraging him “Go on, just one more step, a bit further.”
And the guy, the players says “No, it’s hurting, I can’t go any further.”
And to cut a long story short, the coach was on his hands and knees shouting encouragement to this player.
The guy was saying “No, I can’t go any further!”
And the guy says, coach says, “You’re nearly there, just one more step, just one more step!” And he kept doing this, and he kept egging his player on, he kept egging the player on… and eventually the coach says “Right, that’s it, you’re finished now. Take off your blindfold.”
And this guy collapsed on the floor groaning, you know (laughs) because he’s just been through one heck of a task.
He took off his blindfold and he turned round and he looked how far he’d come… He had walked, or crawled the whole length of the football field with another guy on his back.
And he was stunned! He was totally, totally stunned.
And the coach said to him “OK, now do you see what you can do if you really want to?”
And just think about that…
He crawled, with a full grown man on his back, the whole length of his football field and because the coach was there by his side encouraging him on and supporting him, with him all the way he did something that he would have never believed achievable.
So what about you?
What is it that you think you can’t achieve, what is it you want from your life that you think is too difficult? Who is on your side? Who is rooting for you? Who’s on the floor with you and just giving you encouragement all that time?
Do you have someone like that?
Well, if you don’t, I su… you know, I respectfully suggest that you find somebody who’s going to be there for you, to help you get the confidence, to help you get the success that you are probably looking for.
Now, earlier I spoke about family and said that you have to be a little bit careful about family, you also have to be careful about others who may have a hidden agenda.
You know, friends may have a hidden agenda, I’ve spoken about this before, family may have a hidden agenda. You need someone who has got no skin in the game for themselves, they just want the best for you whatever that is. Yes, they can give you advice but they should never, ever stop you from going and achieving your dreams.
You need someone who’s impartial, someone who’s going to give you honest, open advice and then let you make the decision because it’s your decision and if you want to make a mistake or you want to do something it’s also your decision because that’s what you need to do learn whatever lessons.
Now obviously, you know, if you’re going to do something totally stupid and try and kill yourself then the coach is going to be a little bit sort of hesitant, you know, and not encourage you to do that. But you know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about somebody who doesn’t want something for themselves, they don’t want your success for themselves…
And that’s, that’s happened with, erm, ahhh, what’s his, err… one of the major tennis players a few years ago was a girl and her father was pushing her for success so that he could bask in the glory. And it happens in quite a few sports fields and, you know, not only sports.
So, you want someone who is there independently for you. It’s about you, it’s about you finding the support you need.
Now, let’s just talk about confidence in general and I say to you, just, let’s, let’s assume we’re having a conversation, I say to you “What is it you want?”, you know, “Do you want more confidence?”
And you say “Yes!”
I say “More confidence? What does that mean to you?”
“Oh, I don’t know, I just want more confidence.”
So let’s assume that I you know, change the subject now and say, we’re walking down the road and you’ve just told me you want more money and I spot on the floor a penny and I say “There you are, pick that penny up.”
And you say “Ach, it’s not enough, it’s too small it’s not worth the effort.”
I say “You wanted more money and now there’s a penny on the floor you don’t want it. Why?”
You say “It’s not enough.”
“It’s more than you had before, it’s one penny more, so why is it you don’t want it?”
And it’s the same with your confidence, if you’re not specific about where you want to be and when you want to be confident, how you want to feel in that situation then it’s very difficult for you to achieve anything because you don’t have a goal.
Okay? You need goals, but you need to have steps, you know, you could say “My goal is to, er, be the president of the United States.” But you’ve go no steps along the way, you’ve got nothing you can start doing right away so you’re unlikely to achieve that goal.
So let’s say you want more confidence ok? When, when do you want to feel more confident? What situation? What times?
Let’s go down into deeper and deeper specifics, let’s talk about, you know, the exact time. The exact situation. Is it in a meeting?
Is it just, erm, walking into a, a, a, you know, a new restaurant and you’re not share, you know, you’re feeling a bit sort of um, edgy because you’re not, erm, sure of the layout and you’re not sure who to go to. What is the situation you want more confidence?
And there could be more than one, it doesn’t matter, write them down, get a piece of paper, write all of them down. Just write, write, write, when you feel you have a lack of confidence. And don’t allow yourself to be swayed by “I just don’t have confidence. I just want more confidence.”
Let’s get specific. Let’s look at one thing, let’s look at one thing and then we work on that, we get the confidence in that situation and you know what happens?
Because you’ve been successful in that situation, other situations you’ll start emulating that success and your confidence issue will start to lessen. So get specific, decide when you want to do it. And look at your list, write the list, say “Ok, what is the one situation I’m going to work on now? What is the most important to me or the most pressing for me in, in, you know, where I am in my life now?”
And it could be that you’re in a, you know, you’re in a company and you have to give a presentation and you don’t have the confidence for your presentation. You’re so scared, you know, that you’re going to get on stage, you’re going to freeze, you know, and all these things so that is your most pressing situation. OK?
Fix that and guess what? All the others will start to lessen because now you’ve fixed a major, major, major thing like that.
So, get your list, start writing down and say “OK, I want more confidence in that situation…”
What does ‘more confidence in that situation’ really mean to you?
Think about it.
Does it mean that I’ll be able to talk to more people?
Does it mean that I’ll be able to get my point of view across?
Be as specific, drill down okay? Drill down into the details of what being more confident in that situation means.
Once you’ve done that you need your paper, you start writing down all the things that being more confident in that situation means. And then you look at that and you say - “Okay, what is the smallest thing I can do right this moment to start me being that more confident person?”
And you have your goal, you can see in your ey, minds eye, what this more confident person looks like.
It could be the way they stand, so if it’s the way they stand - what can you do right now to practice your standing in a more confident way? Must you do your ‘Superman pose’ or your ‘Wonder Woman pose’? Must you do your ‘Yeeessss, I’m good’ or must you do any of those things? Because they will start you on that pathway.
And when you’ve done that first thing you look at your list again, what’s the next thing, what’s the next bit? As you’re seeing it as your successes ok, because you’re ticking off… “I’ve done that! Now I’m feeling much better, I’ve got a good posture, now I need to go and practice somewhere, let me go to the supermarket, let me go out here. Let me just practice this, this proud bearing this, this, this better pose…” or whatever it is and then you start doing these things and you make them your life, you make them your habits.
Because confidence is a habit. You know that.
Confidence is a habit, we’ve spoken about it many times, so you make the good confidence habits, OK?
So, let me just recap, quickly, where we are.
We spoke about a coach and we spoke about the need to have an impartial coach who is there for you.
We spoke about the need to have clear goals with regard to your confidence and within those goals, there could be many, many, situations, but you pick the one that is the most pressing in your life at this moment. If you’re a young, you know, a little bit younger and you don’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and you’re too tongue tied to speak to anybody that could be your most pressing goal.
If you need an interview with your boss about a promotion but you’re too scared to make the time, you know, to book a time to have this interview, that could be your most pressing goal.
So write it down and then start working and look for the smallest thing you can do right now.
Let’s take the interview - “What do I need for the interview if I want to be promoted?”
I need to know why I’m worthy, what are all my good points, what have I brought to the company? I need to start preparing my case and I also need to know where I want to be promoted to and how much money I want.
If I go there and I don’t know these things then, you know, I’m like, I’m likely to get nothing. You know, it’s, it’s the same situation if you go for, you’re brand new, if you go for a job, you haven’t got a job and they say “Ok, how much do you want paying?”
“Errm, it doesn’t matter.”
“Ok, if I pay you $50 a month is that okay?”
“No! No, that’s not ok.”
“But you just told me it didn’t matter.”
“You haven’t bothered to do you homework, it shows me that you’re not really serious…”
So you need to get prepared.
Ok, so think about it ok? Think about those things… write down where, when you want to be more confident. What is the situation? How do you feel right now in those situations? Where, what or how do you want to feel?
Are there people that you want to emulate?
If so, make a note of them. Do some research, look around, see what you can see and then start identifying the steps that you need to take to get there.
Pick the smallest step. Get it done. Be grateful, congratulate yourself for that success and then move on to the next smallest one and the next smallest one and before you know it your problems will be gone. Your issues will be gone, your confidence will be rising all the time because you’re seeing progress, you’re seeing success.
And success breeds success.
Okay, that’s quite a long diatribe, I’ve not given you much time to think, (chuckles) I’m sorry about that but I get carried away sometimes. But what I suggest is listen again and listen again, get your paper out, take notes look at the transcript that I’m going to put with the video and with the audio.
Look at it, listen to it, read it and then go away and do the steps. And if you want to talk to me you know how to get hold of me, you just go to my website doubleccoaching.com and then you’ll see ‘contact’. Hit ‘contact’ and send me the message and we can communicate from there.
And don’t forget to tweet me if you want, I love getting tweets from you.
Speak to you soon,