How To Add Value to Another

How To Add Value to Another

CB014 ☛ Special Edition INTERVIEW with Virginia Phillips From ☛Triumph After Trauma Academy

In this exciting Interview Virginia from Triumph After Trauma Academy shares some tips and tricks about confidence building through adding value to others;

✮ Why you are important and much needed today
✮ Little everyday actions that will have others full of appreciation you
✮ Discover opportunities amongst the snags
✮ Journal your way into confidence in minutes a day
✮Why boys toys can drive them to be more confident than women

Virginia also unveiled interesting insights into how DNA and hormones can affect our confidence levels and simple to do daily actions that take up no time at all yet build your confidence as you help others have a better day and more:

To find out more about Virginia’s calling join her on her Facebook page: www.facebook.com/triumphaftertrauma/

Or:

Click To Read Show Transcript Now

CB014 - How To Add Value To Another’s Life Special Interview With Virginia Phillips

Hi everyone, welcome to another exciting episode of Confidence Bytes and I’m really honoured today to have as a special guest, Virginia Phillips from Triumph After Taum… Triumph After Trauma Academy and she’s got some wonderful things to share with you.

But first let me just tell you a little bit about her.

So:

Virginia Phillips is a communication and leadership expert. She is the owner of Triumph after Trauma Academy, an inspirational speaker, a personal coach, a survivor, and an author. Her Entrepreneur Success Academy is changing the landscape of small business coaching.

Virginia’s professional experience includes years of leading teams and business management advising. She earned a master’s degree in Human Resource Management along with certifications in leadership, human resources, and meditation, sorry mediation.

Despite significant life snags, she sees life as a journey; discovering opportunities to enhance the lives of others. Her hunger for life is impressive and her life story is inspiring.

And when Virginia isn’t looking for ways to make the world a better place; she spends her time hiking, writing, and traveling.

And Virginia, welcome and thank you very much for coming.

Virginia:

Thank you

Stuart:

That’s a very , very impressive resume.

Virginia:

It’s an honour to be here, it’s an honour to have your listeners listen to us for the time that they’re given us.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Well, it’s about half an hour or a little bit longer depending on how long it takes, you know, to give the information that’s going to help them. And I know you’ve got some wonderful stories to tell us so could you just tell us a little bit more about yourself.

Virginia:

Sure. I grew up in the United States and have lived all over the United States and worked for ‘Corporate America’ as I refer to it as…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…In the human resources field and that field means I help managers lead better and employees be more successful.

And through that career I wound up in Europe for several, several years and I had the opportunity to work with what we would refer to as ‘Local Nationals’ over there which means I, I really went to work with citizens from Europe.

And it was just a wonderful experience for me to bring that culture and understand how other cultures work and live, er, besides in America.

And then several years ago I moved back to the United States and started my own business.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

And, you know, obviously this show is about confidence. Emmm, do you have any stories you like to tell us about confidence struggles or anything like that?
Virginia:

Oh certainly. I think everybody suffers with lack of confidence from time to time…

Stuart:

Ja

Virginia:

…And some of us suffer more than others.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And that goes back to who we are as human beings. Some of our DNA, er, charges us to be a little more cautious as you may, and if we have that type of DNA in us that causes us to more cautious we’re not as confident when we go out into the world…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…But a lot of the confidence issues have to do with previous experience, environments people are in, maybe they’re in a very harsh work environment or harsh home life environment and your body internalises that and it’s, it’s difficult to stay happy and difficult to stay confident in who you are when your environment has so much that tells us we shouldn’t be confident.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

You know, I look around the world and there are so many nations at war and I don’t know how the kids in those cultures grow up to be confident human beings when they’re worried about their next meal.

And…

Stuart:

Yes, I suppose they become ‘comfortable’ in that limited environment but outside of it then they have a lot of different issues don’t they?

Virginia:

They do.

So my own personal struggles really have to revolve around my health. I have not been the healthiest individual, er, so school, I missed a lot of school as a kid and so getting good grades in school and being successful in school was tough for me.

And it was always nerve-wracking for me to succeed in school because I just wasn’t there enough…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…to feel confident in grasping the material that was being taught to me. And when you miss so much of school, that is your foundation to your work…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…and to you living it’s really hard then to go out into the work world saying “Ive got this, I know what I’m doing” - because I missed so much of that foundation.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And what it, what it allowed me to do with that confidence, err, lack of confidence is I just worked harder.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

I worked harder to fill in those gaps that I missed when I was a kid because I was so sick.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

So you’re saying that, em, you found a way to compensate for the circumstances.

Virginia:

Abs, absolutely and I think a number of us do…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…that have environmental factors or personal factors that aren’t our strongest pieces of us.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

We certainly can, you know, compensate in, in many ways, and one of the things I see people compensating in is just working harder.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

Putting in more effort, finding the latest tool or finding a mentor that can mentor them on the pieces that maybe they missed previously.

Stuart:

Yeah

Virginia:

And there are mentors around the world…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…that can support them. Even in your case, you know, you do a lot of teaching in English to, to folks around the world really and so they know that is a piece that will make them more confident in this world so they go out and get that and add that their experiences.

Stuart:

Yeah, and I think that, that, you know, mentorship is important but it’s not just limited to one key area because, you know, if, you know, if we just take teaching as an example. It’s ok having a mentor in English but, you know, if you, even if you know English you may need somebody to help you have the confidence to use it and to accept that you have those extra skills and, you know, maybe mentor you in different life skills that maybe you’ve missed.

In your experience do you think that erm, the fact that you weren’t at school erm, hampered you a little bit with your communication abilities with the other students because you weren’t able to interact as much as they were?

Virginia:

Oh I’m certain in many respects it did, er, you know, they, they were on one page in terms of what we had learned and I’m so far behind where they are at, it’s almost, at times we didn’t speak the same language.

Stuart:

Yah

Virginia:

And it’s really hard to, to interact with the world when you feel like you’re just so far behind than everybody else.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

Er, and so one of the things I did also to build my self confidence is I found people that were also challenged but really succeeded…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And they didn’t have to be in my life but they’re inspirational stories all over this world.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

People that have come from almost nothing doing amazing things. Figure who they are, really learn their story and then internalise that saying “if they can do it I can do it too”

Stuart:

I can do it, yeah.

Mm hmm

So why is it then that you think that some people struggle with confidence more than others? I mean there must be something in their makeup or something along that way that affects them.

Virginia:

I, I do think it, it has, erm, a lot to do with personality types…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…there are personality types that are much more analytical

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And personality types that are much more driven and much more willing to take risk and just plough through whatever challenges…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

So I think personality types has a lot to do with it but our environment has a lot to do with it. There’s a lot of studies between men and women that the way our environment treats women really has them questioning their self confidence.

Stuart:

Yah, I mean, I was just reading something last week, erm, about the way a lot of firms in the UK, especially, are, erm, hampering women because of the dress codes that they’re forcing them to adhere to. You know, they’re not allowed to express themselves and, you know, it, it’s ridiculous in many ways, you know.

Virginia:

Right.

Right, but even, you know, on the TV here earlier today I heard them wishing a woman a happy birthday. It’s her 45th, I think birthday…
Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…and they called her a little girl.

Now that’s how, how does that help those of us that are watching that interaction feel confidence as a woman?

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

If we’re referred to as little girls?

Stuart:

Yeah, and it, it’s these, these little things isn’t it that just keep coming in, coming in, coming in, coming, coming in all he time. Just like, you know, a parent might or a teacher might say you’re stupid, you’re never going to learn anything, you’re never going to amount to anything to much.

It comes in enough times and then it becomes the, the reality, that they face every day.

Virginia:

Exactly.

And I think that there is more of that in our environments than most of us realise.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And when you study that, and your ears are tuned to that you really begin to question how much of our environment drives our lack of confidence.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

You know, we have a big commercial store here in the United States called Target.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And a little girl wrote Target and she said she didn’t like the way the toys were displayed.

The boys toys were often, erm, more earthy toned…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…and more, you know, war toys and architectural toys and really driven to build the confidence of these young boys. Whereas the girls, it was a lot of dolls, dress up dolls and fashion.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And this young girl said “Why can’t we have the architectural toys?”

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

“Why do they always have to be aimed at the boys?”

Stuart:

Yah, I mean this type of programming starts at a very, very young age doesn’t it?

Virginia:

It does.

Stuart:

You know, I mean, if, if you just take that example, a lot of parents, they don’t expect their girls to play with the boys toys. They expect, don’t expect the guys to play with the g, dolls. You know, these are for the girls and these are for the guys and there is some merit in having that type of thing but when it’s always directed - the girls can only have ‘this’ or the boys can only have ‘this’ then you get issues that come from that don’t you?

Virginia:

Right.

But it’s more than that. In many cultures around the world the boys will go off and fish with their father, the food, and bring home the food and that’s very rewarding and the women are left home to clean the floors only for the men to come home and serve them with what they’ve caught.

And there is a lot of ingrained expectations…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…out of the boys and out the girls in those specific circumstances.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

Erm… go ahead.

Stuart:

No, I was just going to say that this becomes a big cultural thing doesn’t it and it’s very, very difficult to, you know, change it and it won’t change quickly because it’s culture in a lot of instances.

Virginia:

Very much so.

You know, the other thing that we look at with confidence is hormones.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

There’s something about testosterone in the men, women also have testosterone but men tend to have a little more than the women do and I will tell you that testosterone is really good for self confidence.

Stuart:

Yes, no, I, I understand it is…

(Virginia laughs)

So, you know, even, even a guy who’s suffering from that, from a lack of testosterone he will probably suffer from a lack of confidence in many ways.

Virginia:

Yes.

Stuart:

And you know, I think this is in some ways where this feeling of being emasculated, you know, comes from because there’s a lack of hormones.

Virginia:

Right.
But I don’t want the men listening to this thinking that they also can’t suffer from a lack of confidence.

Stuart:

No. I mean. The funny thing about confidence is, is you can be confident in one area…

Virginia:

Oh, yes.

Stuart:

…But in another area you can be just totally, totally go to pieces. I mean, you can take a, erm, a person who is, for instance, a very good leader but if he has to give a speech in public, just like ‘The King’s Speech’, you know, he goes to pieces, he just goes to pieces. He doesn’t have the confidence to speak in public but every other aspect is perfect.

Virginia:

And some of that is to do with experience, you know, if you were to put a piano in front of me and asked me to play a beautiful piece it, it would terrify me. I’ve never done very good with instruments.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And most folks that are introduced to an instrument, they’re not good at the beginning but you give them practice and over the time they practice they get a little better, and a little better and a little better and they develop incredible confidence.

Stuart:

Ja, but then again you still have the performance anxiety that comes in (laughs) don’t you? Because they can play the piece to their friends or to themselves but when they have to go in front of the teacher or the public then the performance anxiety comes in and all their confidence goes away.

I mean, Marilyn Monroe and many other stars had this problem. That they were very confident in their abilities and everything else but when it came to the real crunch time then they had big issues that they had to fight to get over before they could really let themselves be the person that they knew they could. So…

Virginia:

And I agree. And some of that is really experience, but some of that has to do with the fears in our head.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm. Ja, I mean it can come from a very young age, it can come from society, it can come from so many different places and then we build it don’t we? We create it.

Virginia:

We, we do. And, you know, part of our human beings is that fight or flight response…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And when we’re proficient in playing the piano we have a fight response but when we’re put in front of an audience that brings a fear response, we want to run.

Stuart:

And, you know, that can also come from failure can’t it?

Virginia:

Yes.

Stuart:

That you’ve made mistakes before. So how can you turn those mistakes into a positive aspect of your life?

Virginia:

Well I will tell you there’s so many people in this world that have created inventions that we rely on today that were out of mistakes.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

Er, the microwave is one of them, the X-Ray machine is one of them, er, and we all rely on that and that came through mistakes. One of my favourite mistakes is by a cook in China who discovered fireworks.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

He wasn’t planning for his pan to explode but it did and somebody felt well this is really great so your perception of a mistake may end up leading to something great.

Stuart:

Yeah, and it’s that perception which is, is, is crucial isn’t it? And, you know, we’re not saying that someone should set their kitchen on fire (laughs) just to find a, you know, new invention.

But, you know, (laughs) it is, its the perception that ‘this is wrong’ or ‘I failed’ that, you know, the perception needs to be changed - “OK, great, I’ve made a mistake. What can I learn from it?”

And if we can change that thinking around then we can profit from the mistakes can’t we?

Virginia:

And, and there are a number of really, really successful people that made significant mistakes early on in their career. Uhhh, you have Oprah Winfrey who was fired.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

You have, umm, Walt Disney who was told he didn’t have any imagination and nobody needed him. Do you think he suffered from confidence? You bet he did.

Stuart:

Yes, but he didn’t stop it…

Virginia:

Go ahead.

Stuart:

He didn’t let it stop him though did he?

Virginia:

He didn’t.

And, you know, so we have those types of things that you could internalise as failures…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

But he didn’t let it stop him. There are other events that people really do, you know, I could trip up my stairs here and I would see that as a failure. But the fact that I got up and didn’t let it stop me shows that I have courage, determination and that builds character.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm. And you know

Virginia:

People respect that.

Stuart:

Yah and it, it’s, you’re saying about tripping up and not letting it stop you and it just takes you back to childhood.

How many times does a young baby fall over when it’s learning to walk?

Virginia:

I think the stat is like a thousand times or something like that.

Stuart:

Yeah, and it doesn’t stop it.

Ok, it needs the encouragement that it’s going to be ok but it doesn’t stop it because most people learn to walk, you know, there are maybe a few who don’t.

Virginia:

And the environment around that baby trying to walk is parents and other people picking them up and saying it’s ok.

Stuart:

It’s that support structure isn’t it? That mentor?

Virginia:

Yah.

Well, in, in a support group you know, when I talk to folks about overcoming trauma or change, the number one thing they say to keep them going down that road is the people around them encouraging them to do it.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm. It is.

Virginia:

And we do that for the little babies trying to walk…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…But at some point that support changes when we become and adult. But if you have the one friend or the five friends or the fifteen friends that say “It’s ok, keep going.” you’re more likely to have the confidence to do it.

Stuart:

Yeah, and you say that changes, you know, sometimes people perceive that you’re an adult so you don’t need support any more, because you should be able to handle this.

But everybody needs support don’t they?

Whether it’s from a friend a mentor or whatever.

And, you know, we also have to be careful with the support we get whether it’s, errm, biased support, you know, you know, when, you know, you have some friends, very close friends who are using you as the, erm, the ladder or the sounding board because, you know, they can always be better than you in some way and this is a very, very subtle thing…

But you go to them for support or with a genuine question and they say “No, don’t do that. You shouldn’t do that.” you know, “It won’t work.” because then they are the person who suffers if they get successful.

So their support becomes biased and we’ve got to be very carful who we go to for the support don’t we?

Virginia:

We do. There, there’s an example I learned from one of my mentors and he, he did a lot of crab fishing and in crab fishing you put the bucket out and you’ve got a whole bucket of crabs.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And there’s going to be one crab that doesn’t want to be in the bucket so that crab starts climbing out of that bucket…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And there will be other crabs that pull that crab down and say this is where you need to be, don’t leave us.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

Er, so you do have some of that, that cultural normalcy as you may, that can cause a lack of self confidence.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

And that, it’s such a subtle thing that you, you don’t notice it but you’ve got to be, you know, aware of it and it happens in families as well. Erm, you know, where maybe a parent, when their child was very, very young , decides “My child is going to be a Nuclear Physicist” or whatever.

And this child wants to be a fashion designer and the parents are forcing them to go the wrong way and they can’t succeed because it’s not their men, their forte.

Virginia:

Right.

Stuart:

And if they were allowed to do what their calling was then their confidence would be there all the time but the parents are saying, pushing them down, holding them down because of their agenda and it’s a subtle thing, it’s not planned that we’re going to hurt the child. We think that we’re doing the best but we’re not actually helping we are causing a lack of confidence in many ways.

Virginia:

We are. And a good example of that is Vera Wang. She’s a great fashion designer. Have you heard of her?

Stuart:

I’ve heard of Vera Wang, yeah. I don’t wear her clothes but (laughs)

Virginia:

So, I don’t know whether she was pushed or forced but I know she was an olympic skater for a while…

Stuart:

Yeah

Virginia:

And she didn’t make the team. She failed at skating for the olympic team. Her story shows that she failed at that.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Ja.

Virginia:

And then at the age of forty is when he decided to change careers and become a fashion designer and that is really where she needed to be all along.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

But she spent so much time in another arena trying to make that work for her and it didn’t. So when she started her fashion design world she, she just ran with it.

Stuart:

Yeah, because it’s now a big release of energy and freedom isn’t it? It’s not, sort of, forcing yourself to do something which is not, you know, suited to you. And it’s nothing to do with intelligence, it’s to just do with “This is my calling. This is what I’m here to do.” and some people are here for ‘this’ and some people are here for ‘that’.

But if you can find that calling then your confidence just explodes because now everything just works doesn’t it? It’s not a fight anymore.

Virginia:

Right.

And I think she fought for everything she had in the skating world and she just wasn’t making what she had expected to make. When she switched to something that worked much better for her and she’s done a phenomenal job.

Stuart:

Well, this fighting is, is also exhausting isn’t it?

Virginia:

Yah

Stuart:

Very, very, exhausting so you can never perform at your peak if you’re always fighting or something. And, you know, that can also affect your relationships with your family, with your friends, with your coach, with everybody around you because ‘something’ just doesn’t work. Something’s not right.

Virginia:

Right.

Well, and what I have found, at least in America, and I didn’t ask these questions when I lived in Europe, is we don’t teach young children and most adults to create personal mission statements.

Stuart:

I don’t remember anything of that when I was at school… (laughs) so - I don’t, you know, I don’t even remember being taught how to communicate and, you know, these vital things seem to be missed because we, we, we’re focussed on a certain aspect of education only.

Virginia:

Right,

So, so, I believe if each individual from the age of five to a hundred and twenty would sit down and figure out what their mission is in life, erm, and it doesn’t have to be anything really, really complicated. I know a young kid whose mission in life is to be a force for good.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

That’s what they want to do.

My mission in life is to be an inspiration for others.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And that can take many different forms, but if I am doing something in my life that doesn’t fit my mission then I am not going to spend my time doing that.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

And, as you say, it doesn’t have to be that complicated because if you, if you try to make it too complicated then you start getting the negativity because you’re not succeeding. you know.

So if you say, erm, a child has to, you know, it’s mission is a force for good - how many millions of ways can he manifest that?

And you know, almost everything he does he can then get rewarded because he’s fulfilling his mission in some way.
Virginia:

Correct.

You know, the story that goes along with that is this, this young child decided he wanted to be a force for good and he had a day that he was behaving very badly to his mother.

And when his father came home from work his mother’s like “You need to deal with him” and so this kid came into the room with all these excuses why he was terrible that day.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And the father said “I’ve one question for you. If your mission in life is being a force for good, how did any of those actions get you to your mission?”

Stuart:

Mm hmmm, and that stopped it dead (laughs)

Virginia:

It stopped it dead, but the child had no real comeback to that.

Stuart:

No.

Virginia:

Er, no.

And I see that work for children, young adults and older adults. We, we lose, especially in our daily routines, we lose who we are and we run to the grocery store and we run to the, these children's events and we work long days at work. And we’re trying to juggle cleaning our house and seeing our parents and all of that - and through that, who are we?

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

And this is, this is the thing. We, we forget, we get lost in daily life and we forget, you know, who we are and how we can, can still do all these things but be the force for good or be something else. How we can just do one little thing to touch someone’s life.

If we, you know, just imagine you go into the store and you make somebody smile by something you do, then you’ve been a force for good and it affects you in, in so many ways because you feel good because you’ve made somebody smile, and it’s such a small thing but it’s such a big thing.

Virginia:

Yah, and you’ve taught me enough to know it’s those micro-moments that you must embrace and take advantage of because I think it’s those are the moments that change your life.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

I truly believe that.

I was working with a couple earlier this week and I said you have to, you know, really engage in a specific moment and be fully present in that moment and it might last three or four seconds but it will change your relationship today, tomorrow and the next day because you are truly present.

And in today’s world with all the technology distractions and how busy our schedules are I think we forget to be present for ourselves in those moments.

Stuart:

Yeah, because we’re more focussed on the external…

Virginia:

Mm, hmm.

Stuart:

We’re not focussed on ourselves. We don’t have a sense of self a lot of the times because everything is revolving around, as you say, technology, busy, rushing here - “I’ve got the kids to take here, I’ve got these kids to take there, I’ve got to do this and this and this and then juggle about five hundred things…” - and we don’t take that time, and, you, you know, it doesn’t have to be a long time it’s a few seconds maybe, a few moments just to…

Virginia:

Yah

Stuart:

…to take for ourselves and then everything is, is much better when we do that isn’t it? We can think about how we made somebody smile or how ‘this’ happened and we did something for somebody and then all of a sudden the perspective changes.

Virginia:

Yah.

So there is a story that hit the news recently of a young man who decided he wanted to give out a flower that day. I don’t know why.

So he went and got a sunflower and went to his local coffee shop and when he went into the coffee shop he handed this woman a flower and she immediately started crying.

And he found out that it was the anniversary of her husband’s passing and she believed the flower came from him.

Stuart:

That’s a wonderful story and you know it’s amazing that he…

Virginia:

It’s a wonderful story but how much effort did that really take for him?

Stuart:

Nothing. But, you know, the other thing that gets me is the timing. How did he know to give this flower to her on that time?

There’s something bigger in some ways isn’t there?

Virginia:

There is, but what I took away from that is he had a personal mission, which I love, and he was really present in that moment and that will be a moment that she cherishes for a really long time…

Stuart:

And him.

Virginia:

…And he cherishes.

Stuart:

Yeah.

And it, it reminds me of another story I read, er, and I can’t remember how long ago - it wasn’t too long ago, there was supermarket checkout assistant, you know, the packer in the States, erm, I don’t know which city offhand, but he was a little bit, erm, ‘slow’, you know, so he was doing menial work because, you know, he did’t have the highest intelligence for some of the other work.

But he noticed that people were miserable and he, he took it upon himself to write a little note or something, in, in, and put it in with the packing - something along the lines of, you know, “I really appreciate you, thank you” or something like that.

And all of a sudden people started reading these and recognising it came from him and they wanted to go to his checkout. And all the managers saw this big queue (laughs) and they tried to get the people to go to the other checkouts and they said “No. We want to go here…” - they found out it was because of this guy who made them feel special, you know, in such a mundane situation.

So it doesn’t have to be a big thing. In fact it doesn’t need to be a big thing does it? I, it, it’s just the small things we have to focus on that make the big moments.

Virginia:

Well, and, and how do you think it made him feel? When the line was so long the people were there for him.

Stuart:

For him, yah, because he’s probably never had that before, you know, cos he was, you know, probably treated a little bit badly because he wasn’t um, the same as everybody else and that’s, that’s the problem isn’t it?

Virginia:

It is.

And I don’t know that any of that changed his ability to pay his bills…

Stuart:

No.

Virginia:

His, his ability to get a girlfriend or, or…

Stuart:

No. I think it, he just realised that he could be that force for good, you know, and that’s the thing that you keep saying isn’t it?

Just that moment. He just thought it was a good thing to do, just to write this little note to say ‘Thank you’ because he appreciated them and he wanted to show them.

And that little thing is such a big effect. It changes the whole world that we’re living in.

Virginia:

Yeah, yeah, so that, that is really one of the things that I coach in my business. I want people to know who they are…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

Not so much what they need to do for a living. Not so much do they need to be married and have kids and, and go out to the party on Friday night or, or whatever but when nothing else matters what do you want us to remember about you?

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

And that’s the thing isn’t it? Most of us have got no idea what we’re going to be remembered about.

You nay have some success driven individuals who want to be the best manager or the best ‘this’ or reach this level but there’s something missing all the way through and that’s one of the things which is driving them because they’re looking for this… this thing and it’s this little thing - that they’re appreciated.

Virginia:

Yeah. So, so when I teach some of my clients I say when we get, and I don’t mean to be morbid, but when we go to greet your funeral and we remember who you are after you’ve passed we are not going to say “You sold the most policies, that you were the number one sales person for two years, that’s not what’s going to come out of our mouths.

Stuart:

No.

Virginia:

What, what’s going to come out of our mouth is were they kind and gentle, and did they have a positive effect on his world, or our world, that’s what we’re going to remember and it is often so lost in what we do.

Stuart:

It is, you know, we don’t, we don’t think about touching people’s hearts and that, that is the thing.

I mean, I think I told you earlier that I went back to the UK a few years ago and I was in a supermarket and the checkout girl smiled at me. And I, I’d forgotten that people in that part of England are very friendly and I looked behind me (laughs) to ‘say’ “Who’s she talking to?”

(Virginia laughs)

No, it was me and I couldn’t believe it. It was like “What the…?” and it made my day, it really made me feel special because she took that time to appreciate me. And who am I? She’s never seen me before, I’ve never seen her before. I’m just a customer but she took the moment to smile genuinely, it wasn’t one of these fake smiles, it was a real warm smile and, and that made the whole day change for me because somebody took that time.

And that’s the important thing…

Virginia:

Yes.

Stuart:

And if she does that for everybody that’s what she’ll remember, be remembered for - she’s the person who makes you smile, who makes you feel special. And that’s a very, very good epitaph.

Virginia:

And, she was, she was present in that moment.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And her ability to be present in that moment changed your confidence levels in yourself…

Stuart:

It did!

Virginia:

And you didn’t even know you were struggling with confidence.

Stuart:

Ja, I mean it jus, it just, all of a sudden your chest swells out, your shoulders go back (Virginia laughs) and you think “Somebody appreciates me” (laughs) you know, well, and it’s such a, a, you know, a, a fairly trivial interchange normally but it became the highlight of the day because of one thing.

Virginia:

Yeah.

Stuart:

And that is crucial isn’t it?

Virginia:

So I can talk about confidence being a part of a personality, I can talk about confidence being a part of DNA or hormones or environment or how you were raised or the people around you but I truly believe confidence comes from your mission and your ability to be present in the moment for somebody else.

Stuart:

And, you know, how do you be present in the moment for somebody else?

Virginia:

(Laughs)

Well in America I would say you need to put the cellphones down (both laugh)

Stuart:

I think that, that’s worldwide (both laugh) you know.

Virginia:

Put it down and look the person in the eye and do exactly what that grocery store clerk did and look you in the eye and make sure that the other person in the room only feels like you’re talking to them.

Stuart:

Yeah it’s about…

Virginia:

And then you’re truly in the moment.

Stuart:

…showing them that you do appreciate them for what they are.

Virginia:

Yah. And, and, you, I, I do not believe you can do it over the computer or over a cell phone. I mean yeah, you can send a text but to me it’s not the same as…

Stuart:

It’s not the same, I, I think a text can help sometimes but it’s not the same as really being face to face, present with that person because the energy is different issn’t it? It’s everything that comes in that interchange you know, that’s really is…

Virginia:

It is, it is.

So I was lucky enough to go to a, a mental health summit here recently and where all of these experts are in the room from different fields talking about what we can do to create better mental health in, in our society and it really came down to one thing. And that was having a place for people to gather and communicate with one another.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm. And communicate from a genuine level, a genuine place.

Virginia:

Yes.

Yes, yes, we believed it would help the elderly from being feeling lonely, we believed it would help…

Stuart:

Well, on that level and I’m sorry to interrupt, it just reminds me of a study done, I can’t remember how long ago but it was quite a few years ago where elderly people who have pets tend to live five years longer because they have that companionship, they have that communication because very often elderly people feel abandoned don’t they?

Virginia:

Well, and, and look what pets do for you.

Pets are present in the moment. You come in after work, what else are they thinking about?

Stuart:

Nothing.

Virginia:

Nothing (laughs) they are present in the moment with you and their mission is to make you feel like the pack, that’s their mission and they’re going to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Stuart:

Mm, hmm, they do.

So, i, if we think about confidence again and you know, obviously we’ve spoken about being present, we’ve spoken about erm, having a genuine interaction with another person which can boost our confidence as well.

What other things can we do apart from, you know, what you’ve mentioned already to help build our confidence?

Virginia:

So one of the things that I believe which is hugely helpful in building confidence is journaling.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And journaling specific things.

Journaling what you were grateful for that day, journaling a random act of kindness which means you’re going to hold yourself accountable to doing a random act of kindness and this doesn’t have to be you ‘gave away a car’.

This can be you smiled at the grocery store clerk and you changed their day.

Stuart:

Yeah, or you opened a door for somebody who had a lot of shopping in their hands or something like that, you know, something small.

Virginia:

Right, right.

And then I also, a part of my daily journal, put in there to annotate what moments was I truly present for.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And if I can do more than three then great but if I can’t do more than three then I better really work on that tomorrow.

Stuart:

Yeah, as long as you don’t, erm, the person who’s doing it doesn’t start beating themselves up because they didn’t do it or they weren’t able to do it.

And that, that’s the danger sometimes, people can be too self critical and say “Oh I didn’t do it, I’m not good.”

And that’s not the purpose is it?

Virginia:

No.

It is absolutely not the purpose.

Everybody is going to have days that, you’re not successful at things erm, and for me I set the standard as three a day but if you do one that’s one more moment that you have that maybe you wouldn’t have gone after to have.

And if you do one a week that’s one more moment that you have that maybe you wouldn’t have gone after.

Stuart:

And that ties into your gratitude as well…

Virginia:

The mindset to go after it is really what we’re looking for.

Stuart:

Ja.

And that ties into the gratitude…

Virginia:

Yeah.

Stuart:

You know, you, you be grateful that you did this one thing which affected somebody and, you know, they both work together and, too many times I find that people are not for themselves.

They don’t respect themselves, they don’t congratulate themselves for anything they’ve done well. I mean, very often you say “That was a, you know, that was a great speech you gave.”

They say “Ah, it was nothing I made so many mistakes.”

Your focus is wrong. You know. Your focus is on the mistakes and how badly you came across. You didn’t see because of that how people were changed, how people were moved, how people loved it.

And you did that but you missed it.

So that gratitude is crucial.

Virginia:

It is.

But, but you know what? Our minds are, are set that when we look at history, because of our fight and flight responses we look at where we failed. So we watch a movie and you want to go back and watch portions of that movie more than likely you’re going to go back and watch the good portions because you don’t want to watch the bad portions.

Stuart:

Yah, and this….

Virginia:

Our minds work exactly the opposite when we go back to what has happened in the past our minds instinctively pull out…

Stuart:

The negative…

Virginia:

…what we do well and what we’ve failed at.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

And this, this is an unconscious programming isn’t it? That’s been…

Virginia:

It is. It is

Stuart:

…left in us for thousands of years.

Virginia:

It is.

And so we have almost no control, when we look at our history, not to pull up that replay of all the bad sections. That’s why somebody can come off of a stage of a speaking stage ad say “I didn’t do this and I didn’t do that and I didn’t do this.” instead of looking at what they did do well.

And that’s where some of that support system comes in because we need (laughs) somebody else to tell us…

Stuart:

How good we are!

(laughs)

Yeah.

And, you know, it, it comes back to the other thing as well, there’s two, two very important lessons that we have to get into our head and it takes time to ingrain them.

Number one is we should be grateful for the mistakes because they’re the opportunities to grow. And we’ve got to focus on that aspect of the mistake.

Virginia:

Yeah.

Stuart:

And the other one is to congratulate ourselves for the things that we can do.

Virginia:

That’s exactly it.

Stuart:

Mmm.

Virginia:

That’s exactly it.

So our brain works in the reverse when we are, what I refer to as forward focussing, so when we’re looking toward the future we’re hopeful…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And so the journaling, if we didn’t, if we look, if we look at what we did today and it wasn’t so great we can be focussed forward and be hopeful that tomorrow we can have impact that we didn’t have today. And the brain is very positive when it looks to the future.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Yes…

Erm, unless you’re focussed on failure (laughs) then, you know, then we have, but again it’s that, that programming and it’s the habits we have to form to change that, that past programming…

Virginia:

Yes

Stuart:

…and, you know, we have to do it in small ways not big ways,

Virginia:

We do.

Stuart:

…because the big ways are too much.

Virginia:

Yeah.

Stuart:

But if you can just, as you say, write down one thing ‘I did that made someone smile or, or was good for someone else’ and you keep doing that then you, you start changing your thinking and start focussing on looking for the good things.

Virginia:

And there’s something to be said about taking this big brain that we all have and making sure that we are programming it to look for the good things.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

It will become easier and easier and easier as the days go by…

Stuart:

Of course, yes.

Virginia:

…to produce that and to look for that.

Yes.

Stuart:

So we start small and we get big. (laughs)

And that’s, you know, that really is the, erm, one of the cruxes of self confidence isn’t it? Is recognising how good you are.

I mean, we go back to the baby who can’t walk…

Virginia:

Mm hmmm.

Stuart:

We don’t think about the difficulties it i, you know, how difficult it is to walk.

All the little movements, all the micro muscle movements, the balance, the whole thing. We just take it for granted and we dismiss it as we do with so many other skills we’ve got.

But if you journal about the good points, about the things you’ve done well today and, you know, how you’ve touched people and things like that, you start focussing on all these good things.

And you don’t dismiss that.

You know, you say “Ok I can walk - that’s a great thing. I can actually walk.” because some people can’t…

Virginia:

Yeah.

Stuart:

And you know, that, you know, you don’t realise unless you’re in that situation or whether you work with those type of people how big a problem that is for some

Virginia:

Yeah

Stuart:

So you focus on these little things about yourself and, it’s not in a boastful way, it’s in a self congratulatory way that you are grateful that you have been able to learn this and that it’s a skill you have and then you can start affecting other people with this wonderful sort of new energy that you start developing.

And then you write it down again because you’ve done it now, you’ve helped somebody.

(laughs)

Virginia:

Yeah.

I, I will, I will tell you one of the things I also teach is nobody in this world, even if you are a twin, or a triplet, nobody in this world has your perspective.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And that perspective is so valuable, if we all had the same perspective and we were put on a remote island and we were told to survive we would all die.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

Because all of our skills are the same and we don’t know how to pool off of one another.

But if we all come in with different perspectives and we’re able to communicate with one another we can create a thriving community.

So I truly believe, each individual comes, comes so special with their experiences and their DNA and their personality that is so needed in this world. No matter if they think they’ve failed their whole life or they think they’re overly successful, for me it comes down to their perspective as unique and we need it.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Yeah, and it’s, it’s this thing, communication, again. Because we’re not taught to communicate in a genuine way, we’re not taught you know, what communication really means, and it’s one of the subjects I feel should be in school.

We should be taught to communicate properly and understand what communication is and unfortunately it’s not. And we have to fumble and struggle through life to understand what communication is.

And some people don’t ever find out.

Virginia:

Well, and employers today are struggling even more so now because employees are not coming in with those, what we refer to as soft skills, and communication is one of them, because we’re doing almost all of our communication electronically.

We don’t know how to fit into a staff meeting and really kick ideas around with one another any more.

Stuart:

Yeah, I mean, it reminds me the other day, I mean, I went out with my wife and a couple of her friends and there were eight people at the table, the dinner table and only one person didn’t have a phone in their face.

And that was me (laughs)

Everyone else was, their phone was in their face and they’re eating, talking, playing on the phone at the same time and I, I, I, I, looked, I, I, thought this is not right! There’s something very wrong with this whole picture.

And it’s not unique, as you say it’s a worldwide phenomena

Virginia:

It is.

Stuart:

And Japan, you know, they, they’ve, ahh, I can’t remember the term now but they’ve got a lot of twenty-five to thirty year old pe, erm, er, children parents have got a lot of, you know, obviously 25 to 30 year old children who are trapped in their houses because of this inability to communicate.

They don’t go out, they just focus on the computer and they communicate by quter, computer and they don’t know how to talk to a real person.

And they won’t go out.

And there’s a term they’ve coined for it and I can’t remember what it is but there’s something like a million people that they’ve recognised. And that’s a frightening, you know, thought. A very frightening thought.

Virginia:

And for me it’s very frightening because I don’t see how the majority of those people are going to be able to live out their mission as individuals. And how they will ever really feel a part of society.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Well they, obviously, they’re not part of society are they because they’re (laughs), they’re living in their little cave, and their little dream world, you know, their fantasy world of the, whatever the computer game or whatever it is and that’s a… not good.

Virginia:

And, and our world is, is missing them, you know, there’s a quote, and I’m not going to get it right, that the majority of our ideas are found in the cemetery.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

Because the person never communicates those ideas to somebody else because of fear or inability to communicate or self-confidence and so they go to their grave with the ideas that could impact our world.

And I think of these millions of people that you’ve just described that are now spending their day behind a computer - what is our world missing from them?

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

And this is the thing and you’ll recognise that everybody has something good in them to share with everybody else.

And that can affect us in a positive way.

Virginia:

Right.

You know, even some of the worst of our society, erm, you know, and I, and I believe I told you that we have a jail not that far from here that houses some of the worst criminals in the world.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

Those folks give me value because they help me determine what’s good and evil in this world.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And their perspective I need to have in my world so I can assess my world differently.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

And it’s, it’s…

Virginia:

I don’t know that I want them living next door. (laughs)

Stuart:

No. But it’s, it’s the ability to take that lesson and to see that there’s something good even about the worst person because ‘I can learn something from it in, in some way’.

And, you know, not just condemn the person and get rid of them out of there because you’re missing that learning, as you say, that, that point that they have. And then sometimes, eve, as you say, even the worst people can have a lot of goodness for somebody else in, in certain circumstances.

So, so there, there’s always some good in people but…

Virginia:

There is, there is.

Stuart:

…it’s not always easy to find it sometimes.

Virginia:

No, and, and there’s good in very, very harsh situations.

I remember when I walked the beaches of Normandy…

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

…and thinking about all the lives that were lost there and, you know, everything that the world lost on those beaches.

But then I think: look at the courage that they showed us, and look at the ability to stay with the mission, look at their ability to fight for what they thought was right.

And the world needs to know that story.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

We need to know it existed and it, it has impacted me and I didn’t even know those people on that beach.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Obviously, you know, (laughs) because that was a few years before you were, you were gifted to us.

(Both laugh)

So Virginia, I’m just looking at the time and we are getting a little bit over, over the time so…

Virginia:

OK.

Stuart:

I know, you have a book…

Virginia:

I do, I do.

Stuart:

… and I’d like you to tell us a little bit about the book.

Virginia:

So I have a, a couple of books. I’ve one book that was just printed, it’s in my hands, it’s called ‘Creating Your Life - Mindfulness and Meditation’ and it’s several authors from around the world that have given us ideas how to move our life forward.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

But I am also writing my own book about, it’s called ‘The Truth About Trauma’ and it’s about my story and the lessons that I have learned that I want to give back to this world so that when they’re going through struggles and change that they have somebody that’s been there and done that and can help them through, er, what they’re going through.

So that book isn’t really so much my story as it is a ‘How To Overcome’.

Stuart:

And where can people get more of you? (both laugh) I mean,

Virginia:

They can get more of me through Facebook. I do a lot on Facebook, my Facebook page is facebook.com/triumphaftertrauma and they can also get me through my website which is www.triumphaftertrauma.org

Both of those places are great.

The can also reach me via email at [email protected] which is my first name - Virginia at Triumph After Trauma dot org.

Stuart:

So that’s, is that with a capital ‘V’ or small ‘v’ - v i r g i n i a ?

Virginia:

I don’t know that it matters…

Stuart:

OK.

Virginia:

I think they’ll send it to me either way.

Stuart:

Ok, so what I’ll do is I’ll put it in the transcript and the show notes - I’ll make sure that people get the links because, you know, it saves them trying to write things down now.

And what is it you actually offer to people who come to Facebook?

Virginia:

So one of the things that people that come to my Facebook page, Mondays through Fridays, my time I do a two minute inspirational video that they can get every day for free.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm.

Virginia:

And I also do a Weds, midday entrepreneurial class that brings in experts from around the world that will educate us on their expertise.

Stuart:

Mm hmmm. When is…

Virginia:

And that is also 100% free, and if that class doesn’t match their timezone they can plug it in on a replay.

Stuart:

Ok, so your timezone is…?

Virginia:

Mountain time in the United States.

Stuart:

Ok, Mountain time in the United States, ok.

Virginia:

So it’s 11am on a Weds, Mountain Time is what I refer to as the entrepreneurial success academy.

Stuart:

Ok, well that sounds really, you know, exciting so…. it’s, that’s going to be, maybe, I can’t remember now but it’s eleven o’clock or twelve o’clock at night.

Anyway I can, I can…

Virginia:

(laughs)

Stuart:

…have a look for the replay.

(both laugh)

Virginia:

Yes, do, the replay.

So you go to the same links and all you do is hit play and you won’t get me live.

Stuart:

Yeah, so all the information is on the Facebook page for that?

Virginia:

Yes.

And there’s plenty more coming down the pike. I want to do a, there’s just plenty more coming so people tune in they will see more and more free stuff that we will put out there for them to tune into.

Stuart:

That’s great.

And when do you expect the book to be published so we can buy the book as well, is that going to be…

Virginia:

Ummm…

Stuart:

…next year sometime?

Virginia:

Yeah, next year sometime. I would expect it to be late spring.

Stuart:

Ok. Because I understand, I’ve got two books in the pipe line but (laughs) I haven’t got a deadline for them yet so…

(both laugh)

We get, too many things

Virginia:

I’d like to think it will be earlier than that, erm, erm, I’m not, not so sure it will be.

Stuart:

But you’ll, you know, if the guys go to Facebook they’ll be able to find out when it’s live anyway so - or they get in contact with you they’ll be able to find out.

Virginia:

They certainly will.

Erm, and I am all about collaboration and there will be plenty more that comes out to help support individuals and businesses move their lives forward.

Stuart:

Ok.

Well, Virginia, you know, I don’t want to be a killjoy but it is getting on and…

Virginia:

I know it is…

Stuart:

I know you’ve got things to do.

Virginia:

We’ve go to go.

Stuart:

Yes.

And er, I’m really, really grateful for everything you’ve given us at the moment. I mean it’s been a wonderful interview.

I’ve really enjoyed it.

Virginia:

Thank you.

Stuart:

I think the viewers and the listeners are going to have a treat, you know, when they listen to it.

Virginia:

Thank you.

Stuart:

So it’s going to be great, you know, obviously we’ll keep in touch and things like that.

Virginia:

Yah.

Stuart:

But, you know, thank you so much for everything that you’ve shared, really.

Virginia:

Thank you for what you’re doing, you are one of my gems overseas, and…

Stuart:

Thank you.

Virginia:

…maybe one day we’ll get to meet in person.

Stuart:

Yeah, who knows, who knows? The world is a small place.

I mean I can remember I was travelling in the middle of somewhere in Africa and I met a guy who lived just round the corner from me. And I’ve got no idea he’s there, so…

You never know where you’re going to bump into somebody these days.

Virginia:

You don’t, you don’t.

So thank you very much to your viewers and to you for your time and, and, take care.

Stuart:

OK. Thanks a lot Virginia.

Virginia:

Bye.

Stuart:

Bye, bye.

Confident Presentations

Confident Presentations

CB013 - Confident Presentations

What if there is a simple process to give more confident presentations?

That would make you feel much better next time you go on stage to speak wouldn’t it?

Well, as you listen to this latest podcast you will discover some simple steps that will help you to build the confidence in your abilities to give presentations that wow.

So how can you make a presentation, how can you make it work?

Well obviously, you’re going to have to practice and it’s much better for you to work with a few people, get used to speaking in front of a few people and then building up to larger audiences. But the key to any presentation is you need to know what you are going to talk about.

Now I am not talking about memorising your presentation word for word. I think that’s much, much too stressful because you’re not an actor. Instead I want you to think of your presentation in a different way.

Your speech is like a river on its way to the sea, now the river goes onward and it can twist and turn a little bit but you don’t want it to have rapids. Rapids are where you have mistakes but you can twist and turn a little bit and then it will get to the sea in the smoothest, nicest way possible. The twists and turns can represent the subtitles and you fill in the content as you take your audience on a smooth and interesting journey to their destination.

You’re going to discover how to build the presentation and recognise the leaders in the audience so you can connect with them and get them on your side which means the rest of the audience will follow. So hit the play button below and get ready to take on board these great tips to a more confident presentation.

Or:

Click To Read Show Transcript Now

CB013 - Confident Presentations

Hi there and welcome to another episode of Confidence Bytes and today I want to talk about presentations, giving presentations, because this is an area where people often have a big issue.

And I myself, I, you know, I’ve had these issues before. In fact I can remember back in, phwoooo, maybe around 2000, it was a couple of years after my divorce and I was still getting back on my feet from things. And I’d joined up with Herbalife and I went to a meeting and, you know, we were sitting in the, in the chairs.

It was quite a big meeting, maybe three or four hundred people there and they said - (sigh) here’s the doggy, come to say ‘hello’ - they said that, ummm, you know, we’ve put numbers underneath the chair and we’re going to call out a number and you can check the number and if it’s your number we would like you to come to the front and just give a brief overview of what you’ve been doing.

Now, as soon as they said that I just knew within my heart that they were going to call my number. And, you know, they called the number and guess what - it was my number!

And I just froze, I didn’t want to move, I wanted to hide I wanted to pretend it was somebody else’s number - but I couldn’t.

And because of the peer pressure I was sort of obligated to go down, maybe - one, two, three, four, maybe ten, fifteen rows to the front of the stage and then I stood there and I looked at all these people and I just froze! I had absolutely nothing to say. I wanted to disappear, I felt so bad.

Fortunately the people in charge, they recognised this and they talked to me a little bit then they let me go.

You know, the whole thing about a meeting like that, standing in front of a lot of people is that you feel put on the spot, you feel judged, you feel, I don’t know, you feel that you can’t measure up, that you’re going to make many mistakes that you’re going to forget what to say and because you’re focussed on those things that is what happens, that is what happens.

You focus on what the negative parts are and you create the negatives because, you know, as they say, ‘Where attention goes, Energy flows.’

So how can you make a presentation, how can you make it work?

Well obviously, you’re going to have to practice and it’s much better for you to work with a few people, get used to speaking in front of a few people and then building up to up to larger audiences. But the key to any presentation is you need to know what you are going to talk about.

Now I am not talking about memorising it word for word. I think that, for me, that’s much, much too stressful because I can’t remember all the words exactly as they were written. I’m not an actor.

I’m not a, a politician who has someone write his speech and I learn that speech off by heart and just say it like, I think it was maybe Nixon or one of the presidents who went to Russia and gave a - it could even have been Kennedy, I can’t remember honestly. But one of the presidents went to Russia, they visited Russia and they gave a word perfect speech in Russian, in fluent Russian.

They didn’t know what they were saying, they couldn’t communicate - they just learned the Russian by heart.

So, I’m not that person, I don’t think you’re that person.

What I like to look at is: your speech is like a river on its way to the sea, now the river goes and it can twist and turn a little bit and you don’t want it to have rapids. Rapids are where you have mistakes but you can twist and turn a little bit and then it will get to the sea in the smoothest, nicest poss, way possible.

And what you need to do is you need to have ‘where I’m starting from’, where you want to get to and then the steps, dink, dink, dink, dink along the way. And these can be the twists and turns.

And if you have a, a, say, shall we say a powerpoint type presentation or a keynote presentation you can make key slides to give you as memory joggers and you know that ‘this’ part is first and that ‘this part’ comes next and ‘this part’ comes next and ‘that part’ comes next. And because ‘that’ slide gives you the memory jog then you’ve got the information in your mind about the topic.

So you just talk about it and then you just make sure you have a nice transition into the next part and into the next part.

And, you know, when you’re, when you’re talking to the audience talk to the people.

You know, I’ve seen, I’ve seen many, especially students in China, where, you know, I’ve been helping them learn English. I’ve seen many students give presentations and they’re looking inside their head, they’re just standing there rigid and they’re going ‘dum, dum, dum, dum, dum…’ they’re just talking out of their head to ‘whoever’.

They’ve got no idea who’s in the audience, they’re not connected to the audience and the audience wants a real person. It wants, the audience wants to connect with you because you’re giving the speech.

So how do you get them on your side, how do you do that?

Well first thing is, you know, we have to recognise that in these situations we have the heard instinct or crowd control instinct and they’re looking to you to be their leader, to guide them on the journey that you’re going to take them on.

That’s a power they’ve given you by the very fact that you walk on that stage.

So what you have to do is you have to acknowledge that and you have to look at the audience and, obviously, if it’s a big audience you can’t make eye contact with every single person - but what you’ll find if you, you know, just look around you when you’re in presentations is that people form groups.

And in those groups they have a hierarchy, they have a leader and the people basically copy or mimic or emulate the leader - so you can work with that.

You look around the audience and you split, you know, and even if you can’t recognise the groups, yet you split it up into little groups. Maybe you say ‘ok it’s 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12’ you know, and you just mentally split it up into groups. And you go to that first part of the group and you just look around quickly and you see who is, you know, leading and you’ll see that, if he crosses his arms or does ‘this’ the other people follow. You’ll find the dominant type person.

If you can’t, just look at one person in that group, in that segment and say “Ok, thank you” mentally “Thank you for coming, I’m so glad you’re there.” move on to the next, move on to the next - keep scanning like this and then what you’ll do is, out of the corner, out of peripheral vision, you’ll start seeing the real groups. You’ll start seeing the leadership in those groups and sometimes you’ve got, you know, obviously it’s like, ’the boss’ or the CEO or whoever you want to say or some honoured guest and everybody is around him and giving him that authority.

So you can start recognising these things and then you make eye contact with the leaders.

And be aware that sometimes, especially during the course of the presentation, maybe you reach a topic that, you know, instead of Joe being, you know, more knowledgeable about it, it’s Mary and then so Mary becomes the leader for that part of the speech. And then you talk to Mary. You just look at her, acknowledge her and you spend a few seconds with her.

And you keep doing this throughout the speech so you’re becoming a ‘human being’.

Now a ‘human being’ is what people want. They don’t want a robot. If they’d wanted a robot they might as well just have the computer there, put the powerpoint on, press ‘play’ and have one of the voice, er, you know, the, the, dic, prerecorded voices just read out whatever’s on the screen…

They want a real person. That real person is you. Okay? And they want ‘you’ to be normal, to be natural, and if you make a mistake they’re happy because it takes the pressure off of them. If you’re perfect it puts pressure on them.

So, say you’re giving a speech and you make a mistake and, you know, trip over your words or something like that - laugh about it - (laughs) and don’t get petrified, don’t get annoyed, laugh about it, make a joke out of it.

You know, it’s, it’s what breaks the ice and, you know, last week’s program I, I , mentioned to you about the ‘Provocative Hypnosis’, Jorgen Rasmussen, where he had a client who was petrified of speeches and he was told to start his speech with:

“I’m going to make many mistakes because I’m petrified. But I want you all to have a good laugh at me because somebody should get some fun out of this speech. It’s not going to be me and I want it to be you.”

And that broke the ice and that took the pressure off of him.

The audience laughed and warmed to him and he made a really good ‘human’ connection.

OK.

So this is what you must practice doing.

And, as I say, don’t try to remember all the words unless it’s imperative - have the key points, remember them, that this is ‘a’ this is ‘b’, this is ‘c’, this is ‘d’ because this is where we’re ‘flowing down to the sea’. You’ve already done that.

And just have the knowledge to fill in the details as you go.

And, if you miss something? Hey, so what? You know, it’s no big thing, you can always come back, “Oh I forgot to tell you about this… erm, you know, when we were talking about ‘that’…” just like a normal conversation. Because that’s human, that’s real.

And your speech is a conversation, that’s why you pick out the groups. You look at each person, you know, each group, pick out a person in that group, communicate with them. Spend a few seconds or moments with them, talking to them directly, looking into their eyes in a friendly way, you know. Not ‘phoooommmmmm’ (looks threateningly at the camera) but in a nice friendly way, ok.

So do that, practice it and I guarantee that your speeches will get better. You’ll make mistakes - GREAT! Because that’s what you can learn from. OK. You’ll feel nervous at first, yes! That, if you start connecting with people, with humans, you’ll get their energy, their energy will feed your energy and then your nervousness will go away.

You know, I, I saw once, I was waiting to, to go on a stage with a couple of people and one of the people before me, I thought this person, it was a woman, a young woman, maybe about mid-twenties or so, I though she was going to going to go to pieces. She looked, she was stood there and she was like, almost rigid and she was (sharp inhale noise) hyper, almost hyperventilating and, and I thought, you know, ‘is she going to fall apart? Is she going to crack up?’

But what she was doing, was she was channeling her energy and when she got on that stage - Man, she was like a dynamo, she just came alive she was just so, confident, so powerful, so in charge and everybody loved her.

So you can do the same.

You just get there and you just accept and, you know, I’ve done it, you’ve probably done it. I’ve had something in my hand and I’ve dropped it - Hey so what? I pick it up you know, I talk to the people, I drop it again (laughs), you know, as I say, you know I just say, you know tha, that’s, that’s what happens you know, because I’m a real person.

Or maybe you walk on and you trip up or something like that or maybe you find that, you know, your button’s undone, or something, you just laugh about it as if you would with a group of friends because that’s who you are with. They’re your friends, ok.

They’ve given you this power to speak to them because they’re respectful of you, because of the friendship. So you just repay that and you look at them and you communicate with them and I tell you what’s going to happen, you’re going to start enjoying your speeches, you know, you’ll be surprised because the energy you get from that connection is going to feed you in a way that you wouldn’t believe.

So, you know, as I said at the beginning, it is challenging, a little challenging just to get on the stage in front of, phoow, a thousand people, you know. But start small - join practice groups, join speech groups like ‘Toastmasters’ or something like that in your area.

Go there and start practicing, get your camera, get your, you know, phone (shows phone and points to the back and front) - you’ve got a camera here a camera there.

Use it.

Video yourself, talk to it, record yourself, pretend it’s the audience. Put a picture in front of it, of a lot of people, ok, and then just have a little cut out over one person with the camera poking through so that you can see, you know, you can record yourself. And then just talk to ‘those’ people - don’t talk to the camera, talk to those people.

And, you know, it’s going to help you get confidence and you can then also, you know, as you’re talking, you can also, as you’re recording and talking, you can also play it back after and hear, you know, where you made the little mistakes.

May be you went from ‘a’ to ‘c’ instead of ‘b’ because you know, you were a little bit nervous, you hadn’t quite got it down yet. But you practice this many times and you’re going to get better all the time, all the time.

It’s about improving and getting better and better and better and getting that energy from the crowd. Get them on your side, get that energy, let it feed you and your confidence will come out and it will feed them because you’re confident even in your mistakes, you’re confident in your mistakes because you’re confident within yourself.

And they will react to that and you’ll just have the most wonderful presentations.

So thank you for watching this program, go away, take your phone, use your camera on the computer, whatever - practice it, get it down to a ’T’, join a Toastmasters or whatever if you need to and then stop worrying about ‘it must be perfect’ because we’re human, we’re not perfect.

We’re people. People like people - we don’t like robots, we like people. (Noise of an alarm chime) And that’s my alarm saying I have anther call, and I meant to turn it off. I apologise, I’ve just made another mistake but hey, no problem.

So I will see you next program. Thanks for watching, thanks for listening and go away and be more confident.

Ciao

Talking From Authenticity

Talking From Authenticity

CB012 - Talking From Authenticity

When talking with others it is important to talk from a place of authenticity rather than focussing upon whether or not you think you might be a ‘fraud’.

The more you try and impress others with ‘big’ words and exaggerated behaviours designed to make others think you are a star, the more you will drive them away. Instead of people thinking how good you are they will view you as shallow and self centered.

If only you focussed on them and allowed your authenticity to drive the conversation then what a difference that would make. Be sure to listen to this exciting episode of Confidence Bytes to find out more. You can choose to watch it on YouTube, download from iTunes, play here on this page or download the show notes by clicking on the relevant button below.

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CB012 - Talking From Authenticity

Hi there, it’s Stuart again with another exciting episode of Confidence Bytes and today I want to talk about Authenticity, you know, coming from who you really are.

So let me ask you a question:

Have you ever felt like an imposter - say at work? Have you ever been scared that people will find you out, that you’re not really good enough to do the job you’ve been promoted to or something along those lines?

And because of this you’re always checking, you’re always trying to be someone that you’re not really are.

Maybe, maybe you have, erm, a lot of language that you’ve tried to bring in and it’s not your language, you sound, you know, you use pontifical words or things like that, that really just don’t suit you.

And maybe you’re even using the words which look good in the dictionary but they’re not really in the right context because you’re so focussed that you have to be this super professional person and you have to, you know, never make a mistake.

Well think about this for a second: who is it that somebody wants to speak to? Is it this ‘god’ or is it a real person?

Now I’m pretty sure that you like speaking to real people and maybe you like listening to me because I make mistakes, because I am a real person, I’m not this super perfect person.

What I’m talking about comes from my heart. It comes from my brain as well because I have knowledge, I have an understanding, but it’s more the way I put it across. It’s from the heart which makes me connect with you.

So think about that for a second…

Connecting with another person.

You know, if you are always focussed on - ‘Am I making a mistake? Do I sound good? Is that the right word? Is that the right phrase? Do people think I’m an imposter?’ - what message are you giving the other people?

You’re giving the message of insecurity, you’re giving a message of ‘I don’t trust myself, I don’t believe in myself.’ And you’re also giving the message that you’re wrapped up in yourself. You’re not communicating with, you’re projecting something which is not real, it’s artificial, so you can’t be engaging because you’re looking inward all the time.

You’re not looking at the other person, you’re not appreciating the other person, you’re wondering whether they’re going to ‘find you out’, you’re thinking negatively about yourself.

So, what can you do to change that?

Well, obviously it’s so easy to say - ‘Have belief in yourself’ - but where does that belief come from? How can you generate that belief?

Well, if you’re talking about something, let’s say, erm, there’s a topic that comes up. You need to talk from your own knowledge of that topic and, you know, if we take a work situation, you’re not 100% sure, do some homework.

Find out about it so you can talk from a place of genuine knowledge and then put your personality into it - “I’ve read this and this is what I think.” - not “This is what it is!” - “What I think”, “This is my interpretation of what I’ve read, what do you think?” - Make the connection, become engaged and listen to the other person okay?

Stop thinking about whether you’ve made a mistake, you know, if I make this video and I’m talking to you and I’m focussed on ‘Am I making a mistake?’, ‘Have I got my words right?’, ‘Have I got this?’, ‘Do I sound convincing?’ - all these things… What happens is you switch off - because I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to myself, I’m worried about myself.

Now obviously I don’t want to make mistakes. Now obviously I want to be, you know, to give you a genuine message but I have the knowledge, I’ve done some research beforehand and I’ve worked with people, I’ve got experience, so I am focussed on you…

I’m trying to give you the message in the best way I can with my abilities. I’m hoping that I’ve got enough skill and I’ve got enough knowledge that you resonate with my message. If you do, that’s great. If not, you know, well maybe you’re not the person who needs to be listening to me, maybe someone else has got the same message and it will resonate with you more.

And if I’m making too many mistakes then you can write to me, you can send a comment and say “Look Stuart, you, you need to do this, you need to do that, you need to do that…” and I will take it to heart - not take, take it to heart - I will take it on board without taking it to heart and being upset by it. I will say “Thank you. Thank you for being honest with me and telling me what you feel.”

Because, you know, I can’t learn, I can’t get better unless you talk to me. I can’t get better unless you communicate with me because communication is a two way street. It’s not me lecturing, it’s me communicating with you.

So let’s go back to our work situation where, you know, let’s call him John, he feels he’s an imposter. You know, he’s scared of being found out that he doesn’t know enough.

Well, heres’s the fist thing. If he doesn’t know enough then he needs to do some homework, you know, find out more knowledge okay. Get some more information and also be asking genuine questions so he can get that knowledge, it can help him, you know, get that knowledge. But he needs to, you know, think about who he’s talking to and focus on them, not focus on - “Am I coming across as knowledgable?”, “Am I coming across as this?” or “Am I coming across as that?” - he needs too focus on them and communicate with them.

He needs to be listening to them and saying to himself - ‘OK, are they understanding my message? If not then I need to change the message and deliver it in a slightly different way so that they can understand it.’ - but not focus on: ‘Mistake. Am I making a mistake?’, ‘ Did I make the wrong choice of words?’, ‘Did I do this?’

And you know, this type of thing is also something which crucifies people when they have to give a presentation. They stand on the stage and they focus on “I mustn’t make a mistake!” - Ok, they’re looking inside, I’ve closed my eyes because I’m looking inside, I’m looking at mistakes, I’m looking ‘Do I know this, am I confident to do this?’ and - forget, forget, forget!

You know, I’ve given many presentations and I go on there and I make mistakes, I drop things, I say the wrong things - (laughs) I laugh at myself because I made a mistake. But you know, it’s no problem, I can always get back and, you know, if, if, if, erm, I say something which comes out a little bit jumbled or the words are wrong who cares?

The audience don’t because they are listening to a person. Someone who’s connecting and engaged with them not someone who’s inwardly focussed and foc… focussing on ‘Don’t make a mistake.’, ‘ I’m not this, I’m not that.’, ‘That didn’t sound right…’ and then just freezing up ok.

Maybe I walk on stage and I trip - ‘dink’ (laughs) - I laugh at it! Make a joke of it, make a focal point out of it. And, you know, that reminds me of, erm, a story, errr, a true story actually, it was in a book I read called Provocative Hypnosis by - sigh - Jorgen Rasmussen.

He had a client who came to him and this client was petrified of giving a presentation so after a bit of discussion and everything else Jorgen said to him, he said: “I want you, on your next presentation, to go on that stage and I want you to say to the audience that ‘I am petrified and I hope that you all laugh at me because somebody might get, as well get some benefit from it, somebody might as well have some fun out of it because I’m not going to be doing that.’

And, you know, he did this, he was a little bit reluctant but he did this. And you know what happened?

The whole audience laughed, the whole audience warmed to him and it took that fear away from him so that he was able to communicate at a proper level at a friendly level as though he was talking to a friend. Just like I’m talking to you who are my friends.

So think about that. When is it that you are petrified of being found out?

And what is it you’re really petrified of? Making mistakes, being an imposter or something deeper?

Probably something deeper, maybe these surface level things, but, again, if you don’t genuinely have the knowledge, get the knowledge.

And then put it into your words and communicate on a proper way just like you would to a friend, with the other person be aware of their actions, listen to them and adjust your delivery and maybe the word choices so they can get the message, the message that you are putting across - OK.

That’s the important point, get that message, ok, and if you’re talking to more than one person, if you’re talking to a big audience, you’re still only talking to ‘one’ person, you can look at each person in turn and you communicate with them individually.

You don’t just, like I’ve seen many people (looks at ceiling rigidly) “dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah,” and that’s it - it’s just talking from in the head to the clouds.

They’re not talking to anybody so that disconnect is there.

Okay?

So, that was a quick tip, I’ve got a really exciting interview coming up next program. It’s with a wonderful woman and she’s talking about how you can add value to your life and other people’s lives in, you know, just little things you do can add value and how they can have remarkable effects.

So you stay tuned for the next program because that really is going to be very, very special. This woman is a wonderful woman, I’ve just got off the phone with her from a preliminary chat and I tell you she’s got some wonderful advice for you.

So, I’m looking forward to seeing you next program where I’ll have a special guest, Virginia Phillips and she has got some wonderful, wonderful things to share with you.

So have a great day and just think about communication, connecting with the other people, don’ think about ‘Am I making mistakes?’ don’t think about ‘Am I an imposter?’ - just think about communicating and then build your confidence around the fact that people want to communicate with you because you have value for them.

Thanks for watching.

See you next time.

Fuelling Your Confident Smile

Fuelling Your Confident Smile

Fuelling Your Confident Smile

CB011 - A Confident Smile is infectious. Not only do they make you feel good but they make others feel really god too… In fact many sales people and others who interact with the public every day practice smiling many times before they meet anyone.

This means having a ready confident smile to hand can really brighten your day but how do you fuel your confident smile? How do you find the driver that makes your smile real?

You’ll find out as you watch the latest episode of Confidence Bytes.

For help building your confidence:

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CB011 - Fuelling Your Confident Smile

Hi there,

It’s Stuart again with another episode of Confidence Bytes and today I want to talk to you about ‘doing’.

You see:

You won’t get confident from reading books.

You won’t get confident from listening to tapes.

You won’t get confident from watching videos.

You can only get confident by doing.

Now, reading books, watching videos, listening to tapes can help, yes. They can give you a better understanding of different behaviours and how other people have got confident but unless you actually step out and do something it’s not going to make you confident on its own.

Now, I understand that just ‘doing’ can be very scary because, you know, it’s a big thing to change from being, you know, from having a lack of confidence to going to be be more confident. So we’re going to talk today about doing things in baby steps.

You know, do the smallest thing you can right now…

Now, obviously, one of the big things that’s going to make you feel better about yourself is to smile, ok, because smiles fuel your behaviour. It’s not for nothing that for many sales trainers, many people that interact with the public, they have a time that they are asked to practice their smiles because it makes people interact better with them.

In fact, I was listening to an audio tape of a, a mentor of mine and he said that when he was working for a non profit - in the morning he, they had to practice their smile fifty times before they were able to interact or allowed to interact with members of the public.

Think about that…

You know, if you practice your smile fifty times every single morning it’s going to change your whole mood, it’s going to change your whole demeanour. You know, a smile is infectious.

It also stimulates your feelings in yourself.

Now, think about smiling. If you just, you know, say you’ve got a bad mood and you just go mmmmm, put this crazy smile on your face, you know, it doesn’t help you.

You need an emotion to drive that smile, to make the smile ore genuine.

Now, I like to talk to you so it’s easy for me to put a big smile on my face right now and talk to you. And, as I do that it makes me want to smile more and more and more because I’ve practised my smiles, I’ve made them work.

And what is it about the emotion, what emotion is it that makes people smile?

Well there’s humour, you know, if you think of a TV show or a movie or just some funny incident. That can make you smile on its own.

There could be love, maybe from a parent, maybe from a child, maybe from a friend, maybe from a pet, it doesn’t matter, but the love that they show you makes you smile in a different way. It makes you appreciate being you because they’re showing the love for you.

So, what I want you to do. I want you to go out and think about all the different situations that you’ve smiled.

Now let’s take a funny incident on a TV shoe, show a comae, a comedian or maybe even a movie or something like that, something that you found very, very funny.

Get that memory now, think back to it. Get the feelings starting to burst through you, get that smile on your face, ok, and just feel it. Let it permeate, let all the goodness come from this emotion.

And now - keep the emotion, keep the feeling, keep the smile but let the memory go, ok. Just let the memory drift away but keep that emotion, keep that smile and use that as a fuel that you can take with you anywhere to power that smile.

And it’s going to take practice, you need to be doing this many times a day ok. And do the same thing with other, other things that have made you smile. As I say, feeling appreciated, feeling good because you did something that makes you smile, all these things, start capturing them, start remembering them and relive in that moment and how you felt, how good you felt and how you smiled. OK.

As you do that, allow the memory to just drift away and get less and less and less but keep that feeling, keep that emotion, ok, because what you’re doing is you’re collecting the emotions that make you smile more. OK. The emotions that make you smile more.

And they will power your smile and they will infect other people and they will make your day so much better.

So. Practice that religiously every single day. If you can, you know, it might sound crazy at first but practice it fifty times every morning before you set foot out of your house, before you interact with other people - get that smile on your face.

Maybe you’re one of the people who needs a cup of coffee in the morning… if that’s you, grab that coffee, drink a sip or just smell it and, mmmmm, smile because it makes you feel good.

It’s so easy, but not enough people do it that’s why we get all these miserable faces walking down the street.

And once you’ve done that, just get those feelings, get these emotions and whoever you come interact, into, you know, face to face interaction with, just smile at them, maybe it’s a shopkeeper, just smile…

You know, a few years ago I went back to the UK, because I live in China and I hadn’t been there for a long time, and I was visiting friends and family and I went to the supermarket.

And as I’m at the supermarket I was waiting in the queue the checker, the girl smiled at me with this really wonderful warm smile and I was like - “What?” - I looked behind me, (laughs) because, you know, I’d forgotten what it was like for people to smile in the supermarket because where I live there’s not many smiles in the supermarket. It seems to be a thing that doesn’t happen so often.

But, there, the girl, she just said “Hi! How are you?” and it made me feel so wonderful to be appreciated because, you know, that’s what it was, she was just appreciating, she was happy to see me. I’ve never seen her before, I’ve never met her before, I was just another customer but she made me feel like a million dollars because she smiled at me in a genuine way.

So you practice that.

You go out and you do that, you capture those emotions, you capture those feelings and you put them into your smile, you put that smile in your pocket, you take it with you and whoever you come into contact with you take it out and you put it on and you make it genuine and it will make the biggest difference to your confidence and it will make the biggest difference to their day.

Because you are showing appreciation.

So that’s one thing. Now going on to what I said at the beginning or going back to what I said at the beginning - take baby steps. I don’t want you to take baby steps with your smiling because that’s important to get right. It isn’t easy to get right but obviously you can’t spend the whole day going around like a, you know, grinning like a ‘Cheshire Cat’, so jut do it with a couple of people. If it doesn’t make, you know, if, if you’re a little bit nervous about it, just do it with one person everyday.

Just make a point, one person a day - see how they change, then do it with two people and then just multiply from there.

And, you know, you are not alone in not feeling confident about yourself. Some of the greats, some of the most famous people in the world have a lack of confidence, you know, people like Fred Astaire.

You, you wouldn't believe, but if you read his history, he was not happy about his performance ever. he was a perfectionist because he didn’t have the confidence that he was a great dancer, probably one of the best dancers in the world.

Marilyn Monroe - she had lots and lots of problems with stage fright because of a lack of confidence in her abilities but you wouldn’t see that when she acted.

They managed to get over it. It took time, it took effort, and you can do the same.

So, let me assume that you want to have a meeting and you don’t like meeting new people because, I was this way, you know, I was this way at one time. I’d go into a room with people and I’d just stand around.

I didn’t like to be there, I didn’t know what to say to anybody, and I saw them all talking and then I wished that someone would invite me over but I didn’t so I kept being left out.

So what can you do?

Well you can go to this meeting and if you’re very, very uncomfortable and it’s something, you know, you, you’re going to be going back again, you can just sort of sit there, blend in or stand there and blend in a little bit and just walk around and just smile at people. Ok.

You don’t have to say anything. But you just walk around and you get comfortable with the area.

Now, over time, this comfort allows people to get comfortable with you and you to get comfortable with them and then you can start talking. But, you know, maybe the first time you don’t have to do that, maybe the second time is, is when you want to do it.

But just practice with a smile, start with a smile and say ‘“Hi, how are you?” - That’s it, ‘Hi how are you?’ and they will respond and when they respond you’ve got an introduction, you’ve got a little bit of a, you know, a reason to talk. And then you can ask a genuine question, you know, “Why did you…” you know, “Why did you come here?”

If it’s a meeting you have to come to or you’ve not met this person before in the company or whatever then you can just ask, you know, ‘Where do you work, what do you do?’ Just ask a simple, simple question, show genuine appreciation, have a smile and then carry on.

And you’ll be surprised how quickly this can change your demeanour, your behaviour because that smile is driving you and you’re taking small steps. I mean you don’t have to meet a person for the first time and discuss Einstein’s Theory Of Relativity…

You know - “How are you?”, “You know, the weather’s not so good today is it?” you know, just talk about anything innocuous and then listen, appreciate the other person, listen to their answers. They will give you the things you need to talk about.

So, think about the situation that you don’t feel confident in and I don’t want you to think about “I’m never confident!” I want you to pick a situation that’s important to you now and it’s something that you want to work on.
OK?

And think about the smallest, smallest thing that you can do now to go out and interact with the people or to act differently and remember it’s going to start with that smile. So that smile is at the practice, the beginning and then think about ‘What’s the smallest thing I can do?’

Maybe I’ve got a meeting with my co-workers and I don’t know who they are, you know, because some of them, you know, it’s a big company, some of them I’ve worked with, some I haven’t.

I can say hello to those and I can, can just walk up to the other people, smile, “Hi, how are you?” “Nice to meet you, what’s your name?”

“Oh my name’s Fred.”

“Oh, my name’s John. I work in the, the erm, accounts department. Where do you work?”

Simple things. And then you’ll start to get to know people.

So think about what it is. The smallest thing you can do right now. Think about the area you want to be more confident in. Take the smallest steps, go out there with that smile that you’ve been practicing and make it happen.

And, I tell you, by going out by going and doing things, you’re going to be building your confidence all the time, all the time, all the time and soon you’ll be supercharged with confidence because you learned to smile.

Now, if you are a very, very, very shy person, if you have a really big problem with confidence, I understand a chall, what a challenge it can be. And, you know, sometimes you might need some professional help.

One of the tools which is very, very good and very powerful at helping you build confidence is hypnosis. You know, if you go to a qualified hypnotist or hypnotherapist like myself they can give you some, you know, really powerful help to get you more confident.

But you can also get it by talking, you know, interacting with other people, maybe your friends, maybe a family member. So think about, you know, the people who could help you and, you know, you have to be specific.
Where is it that you want more confidence? And, you know, there’s many, many areas - just focus on one now.

Is it ‘I’m too shy to go out?’ Well how are you going to get past that, ok?

Well, the easy way is to put on clothes that make you feel good, smile at yourself, look at yourself and then just go for a small walk. Go to a couple of shops where, you know, there’s plenty of people that, you know, you can just hide amongst the crowd.

There’s so many ways… we don’t have time for all that right now though but, if you want to get hold of me, if you want to talk to me, at no charge, you just get hold of me from going to my website, look for the ‘Contact’, send me a contact message and then we can take it from there and I guarantee that you can change and become a more confident person any time you want.

So, see the smile, practice it, get it on your face, let it make you feel good and I’ll speak to you next time with another exciting ‘Confidence Byte’

Thanks for watching.

How To Start A Conversation With Impact

How To Start A Conversation With Impact

CB010 – How To Start A Conversation With Impact

Opening a conversation with confidence and poise is crucial if you want to make a positive impact. The way you stand, think about yourself and more are vital. Listen in as we discuss three core principals that will give you a head start in your conversations and get the other party to listen with respect.

The Confidence Bytes shows will give you weekly confidence building tips in an easily digestible way. You will get little nuggets of sound advice, tips and tricks that you can put into use any time you want and help you grow more confident - don’t forget to subscribe and checkout the other episodes.

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CB010 - How To Start A Conversation With Impact

Hi there,

It’s Stuart again with another exciting episode of Confidence Bytes and today I want to talk to you about communicating with impact, and particularly the beginning of your conversation with another person - And obviously it starts with the greeting…

If this is a stranger or somebody you’re just meeting for the first time today, maybe you have a meeting with somebody then your initial greeting is key to starting off the meeting on a good foot.

And there are three factors to think about.

No 1 is how you feel within yourself, and this will affect everything else so it is crucial to get this part right.

And No 2 is the way you stand, your pose, your body posture, your body alignment.

And No 3, building on that, is smile - how you smile and how you address the other person.

So, we’re going to start with the first part which is your internal feeling because this is going to have the biggest impact on everything else. And, you know, if you’re a shy type of person it can be a little bit difficult to, you know, just greet people, to talk to people. And you might feel sort of like, you know, you’re, you’re looking down or you, you’ve got this crunched up body posture and you need to take that out of your system - and there’s a couple f ways you can do that.

The first thing is, obviously I’ve spoken in other shows about ‘I Am Good’, ‘I
Have Learned’, ‘My Success Diary’ - these things are critical in that process of building your self esteem, your appreciation for yourself, so if you haven’t started, go back to the other, earlier shows, and do the exercises. Start understanding how good you are, start understanding all the successes you’ve had, start understanding all the things you have learned which means you can learn more.

And you’ve done many things well, you’ve had many successes which means you can do more of those as well. And that includes having good conversations, having powerful communications with people.

So those are very, very critical.
Now, before you, you get to somebody and, and you start talking to them it’s a very good idea to have in your mind some tools and some tricks that you can use just to help you get into the right frame of mind.

So, I want to talk about ‘pride’, and I don’t want to talk about ‘arrogant pride’, the horrible pride, I want to talk about ‘accomplished pride’.

You know, within yourself, that you’ve done something very well and you’ve had a great result… and this makes you feel good, this makes you feel great. And it makes you feel, you know, proud of yourself and, and because of that your whole bearing, your whole posture changes.

Now, for me, I can think of one time straight away.

It was a few years ago now, when I was living in South Africa and I was an extra on a movie set. And this movie set was a period movie in, erm, in Viking times so we weren’t allowed to wear glasses, we weren’t allowed to wear watches, we weren’t allowed anything, you know, from modern day times.

And it was the night shift, and we were on, you know, booked for three whole nights, and one night we were stood there and we were waiting and waiting as you do on movies especially if you’re act - extras.

And one of the guys who’s a friend of mine came up to me and said you know, “Stuart, do you know what time it is?”

So, without thinking, I just looked up at the moon and I saw the position of the moon, it was just after full, so I said “Oh, it’s nine o’clock.”

And he looked at me and he said, you know, “Bullshit.” excuse the, the erm language, he said, you know, he didn’t believe me so he walked away and he found somebody who had a watch. And a few moments later he came back. And he said “How did you know that?”

And I just, you know, I knew because of the position of the moon and it was just after full and there’d been a full moon a couple of days before and each day after the full moon time, you know, it’s about 15 - 20 minutes, it’s in a different position in the sky.

But I din’t, you know, I didn’t think of that at the time. I just looked and said… and I felt so good within myself you know, as he told me as he came back with this sort of incredulous look on his face, I could feel my chest swelling with pride. I could feel my body opening. I could just feel my power.

And this is what I want you to do, I want you to find a memory, it could be, you know, when you were a child and you learned to write. You know most children when they learn to write the letters ‘a’ or ‘b’ or the numbers or a word or something, they’re so proud of it they’re running around showing everybody and they’re just going “Yes, yes, yes!”

Get a memory like that, okay.

Accomplished pride - something you did and you felt so good within yourself. Now, it could be you like cooking, it could be that you made this meal and everybody was just having ecstasy of delight over this meal and you felt so good within yourself because you created it and your friends, your guests, were having the most wonderful time enjoying it.

And you know how that makes you feel so good.

So this is the type of memory that you need to pick up okay.

Now, I want you to think carefully and you know, you may not be able to get this memory right now but get a memory similar to that, you know, and just think about it.

And think deeply about it, and if you’re driving, please stop, you know, doing this or stop driving if you can, if it’s safe, and do it, you know, in a safe place when you’re not driving.

And think of this emory, close your eyes, think of it, and just let the feelings, the feelings of goodness come up, and amplify them. Double them, double them, double them until they’re filling your body, they’re radiating out of your body and you can feel your body posture changing. You can feel your smile, you can just feel that ‘I did this!’

Just let it grow and grow and encourage it to grow more and more and more and more and just capture that emotion. Capture that feeling okay.

Now let it go away, and just feel the residue of energy it’s left you with, feel the residue of the body posture and everything else…

(Scratching noises in the background)

And if you hear scratching and things it’s my dog who’s at my feet and he’s just getting a bit restless - he wants attention (laughs)

So. Just capture those feelings, allow them to stay in you and then, close your eyes again, or of you’ve opened your eyes it’s fine, close them again. If they’re still closed leave them closed and then just remember that feeling again.

And now I want you to increase those feelings, bring them higher and higher. Double them, double them, double them and almost let them explode out of your body, okay.

Now, open your eyes, let the memory fade, keep the feelings, keep the feelings, and you can feel how your body posture has changed because you did that… you made something… you achieved something that’s worthy of celebrating.

OK?

So just enjoy that, bask in the glow of those feelings. And I want you to practice that many, many times on your own until it’s second nature, until just thinking about that incident allows your body to open and that pride come into you.

And, as I say, it’s not arrogant pride, it’s accomplished pride - something you achieved…

And, you know, as a celebration - “Yyyeeeesssss, I did it I did it! Yeeesssss, I’m so good.” And you just look at yourself in the mirror and you smile - okay - it’s a celebration because these are things that you should have learned how to do already and you need to be practicing every single day.

You keep doing these until they become second nature and whenever you’re with somebody you can just look at the person and as you look at them this memory comes into your mind there, your body changes, your face changes… Everything changes because you know you’re so special.

So you practice that. Make sure that you do it at least three, four or more times a day, and, you know, I’ve got this little elastic band - I keep talking about it, this, this memory dev, device, I keep talking about using your alarm on the phone because you have to make these habits until they’re so ingrained in you that you don’t even think about them, they just - ‘poomph’ - explode naturally.

Okay, now, I’ve just spoken about the victory salute ‘Yeeeessss, I’m so good, yes.’ remember them, do it, and, you know, obviously (laughs), I can just imagine - you know, you meet a stranger and you go, first thing you do - “Yeeesssss, I’m so good…” - this guy’s going to go ‘Pheeogh’, he’s gone, he’s going to run.

But, you don’t have to do the physical thing, you can remember it in your mind, you can just go through the thing in your mind and you can just get that feeling ok. That’s going to help you.

And if you have a meeting, you can obviously go to the bathroom, do it before the meeting and then go there. If you have an important phone call you do it before the phone call, pick up the phone and then you make the phone call.

So there are ways you can do it and once you’ve got it as a habit just thinking about it will make you, will change you, ok.

And I’m just thinking about it now (laughs) you know, and I’m smiling already, because I’m just feeling the energy from it ok.

Now, the other thing that’s very important is your body posture. And we’ve spoken about these… the authority pose, the power pose where you stand like superman, superwoman.

Obviously, if you’re going to have a meeting with your boss or something you can’t stand there like that, but there’s nothing to stop you just standing there with your shoulders back and, you know, having this proud bearing, your feet slightly apart - because, you know, if your feet are together like this, pressed together, it’s the biggest giveaway that you are insecure.

If your feet are wide and firm then people will take you with a lot more respect and they will see and they will feel your confidence.

Similarly, don’t have your shoulders hunched. Have your shoulders back. And now, here’s a couple of exercises and, you know, obviously, if you have, you know, a difficulty in movements and things like that please consult a doctor first and make sure that everything’s ok.

The first one is your, as I say, the chest open and you’re shoulders back. So what we do is we lift our arms up and put them back and then you feel your shoulder blades pressing together and as, you just drop your arms down you keep your shoulder blades pressing together.

And at first there’s effort involved, ok, now stan…sit there or stand there with your shoulder blades together and just lessen that effort by 50%, ok, 50% again, 50% again and your shoulder blades might move a slight bit but they will stay together a lot more and your chest will be open, your posture will be open - you’ll have more authority.

And by doing that, obviously, you can see it’s made my body more erect, I’m not slumped down, my body’s erect because my shoulder blades are back.

So, up, elbows out a bit, back, shoulder blades together, come down and do this and then, as I say, if you have any movement or issues like that just make sure with your doctor that it’s ok because we don’t want you to hurt yourself.

Now, practice this everyday sitting down watching TV, sitting down having a meal, sitting down in, you know, in a meeting - meeting, you can’t do that, But, you know, a meeting you can just put your shoulders back and push them like that once you get used to it. Relax, relax, 50%, 50% - I’ve not changed my bearing.

This is what you’re going to master…

This will immediately signal, because you’ve got your chest more open it will signal your confidence. You’re not trying to protect your vital areas, you’re open, you’re showing that ‘I am confident enough to be vulnerable.’

So, practice that at home. Get it so ingrained that just thinking about it makes your shoulders go back ok.

Now, next one is to do with your head. If I look directly at you like I’m doing now, I look more confident than I do if I’m like that. And also if I’m like that I’m closing my vocal area so my speech is not clear, it’s not coming from here, it’s coming from my nose more, you see.

So there is a position that if you move your head backwards and forwards ok, like that, it will just sit. It’s like there’s a little groove that it just ‘dunk’ fits into. And that’s your position.

Now, you need to find that, and again, do it very gently - and if you have any issues check with your doctor first - but you just move your head back, forward.

And if you want to start off with exaggeration, very slowly, very gently, look at the sky, look at the ground, look at the sky, look at the ground. And each time make it less and less. And as you get this rocking motion like this then suddenly ‘dunk’ it will fit in and just sit there. So you’re doing that, rocking gently and gently - ‘dunk’ now I feel comfortable. My shoulders are back, my head’s up, I’ve got my firm posture - I am radiating that I’m confident.

It’s as simple as that.

Now, it takes time to practice it so do it at home and what you’re looking for is, that, you know, you’re not having any perceptible movement. It’s just like… there. And it feels just so good.

So, practice, do the movements slowly, do the movements gently, there’s no forcing anything here. It’s just a nice gentle… and then you just go ‘gudchck’ and that’s it, you’re there.

And whilst you’re having the conversations you can be just scanning your body just to make sure, sometimes you might need a little bit of a boost and everything else so, you know, you just make sure everything works.

Ok, now the smile, ok.

Smiles are powerful.

Now if you’re going into the meeting with a boss or somebody like that you don’t run in there with this smile like a big ‘Cheshire Cat’, naaarh, it’s going to be very scary for that other person. If it’s a long lost friend you’ve not seen for a, a long time that’s a different matter but you know, you know, in, in a business meeting or with somebody you don’t know it’s more of a “Hi… I’m glad to meet you.”

So how do you practice that?

Well the first thing is you look at the person, ok.

Now, for some people it’s difficult to look somebody in the eyes so don’t focus on the eyes, focus just here (points to the bridge of the nose) they won’t know the difference but it gives you a lot more security.

So you look at the person and you have a warm gaze it’s not like a “Mmmmmmm” fierce antagonistic challenging gaze, it’s a nice warm gaze.

So you look at them with this warm gaze and you just appreciate them and as you appreciate them, after about half a second to a second you allow this smile to develop because you’re saying to them “I appreciate you.”

And then, obviously you, you carry that smile and you generate this feeling inside you, your, you know, your accomplished pride which makes the smile more real and more genuine, stronger and you just feel your body go into, feet nicely apart firmly on the ground. Your whole body opens, your, your, your authority pose, your superman pose and your head sits there and you’re just radiating this warm authority and confidence that tells the other person “I respect you”, “I am…” you know “okay in your company and I want to get to know you.”

Now, it’s going to take you time to practice it, but practice it little bit by little bit, ok, with your friends, with people you come into contact with, just, you know, as you’re talking just think about it and see how adjusting your posture, casually, makes a difference in the conversation - it will.

Just see how the way you can bring the smile, you know, makes the people feel better. Maybe you’re in a shop talking to a shop keeper and you just look at them and then you smile and say “How much is that?”

And you’ll see the change in their demeanour.

if they were slumped over the counter they could well stand up and… because they’re now looking at you with more respect because you’ve shown appreciation for them.

So, I want you to go about your day practicing these things, making a mental note of it, thinking about this incident that made you feel so good or these incidents that made you feel so good.

And go about your day with this feeling of accomplished pride in you and see how it changes you, see how it makes you smile more, see how it makes people warm to you, okay.

And go about your day doing that…

And don’t go about your day going “I’m so good!” and this arrogance and this nastiness…

It’s just this feeling that you know, you can handle anything that’s thrown at you.

Practice it, practice it, practice it. Put it into play with people. Notice how their reactions are, not how it makes you feel and just keep doing it and just keep growing that and you will become a powerful communicator… somebody who can communicate with impact because this first impression is the most important and it will open up the whole conversation afterwards.

Now, there’s only one thing I want to add to this and that is if you’re travelling into different cultures they have slightly different expectations. For instance, most people have heard about the Japanese with the bow and the person who’s higher authority than you bows less than the person who’s lower authority.

So you have to just take in the culture into consideration and that’s beyond the scope of this little program here. And you, you know, wherever you’re going, do some research on the culture so you’re not going there and insulting the people.

Handshakes are also important but different cultures have different forms of handshakes. For instance, in South Africa, especially with the Afrikaaner population, their handshake was so strong they were trying to crush you and yet some of the indigenous populations like the Xhosas and that, their handshake was much more gentle and sometimes it felt a little bit effeminate.

Also some cultures, they like to linger after the handshake. So the hands can be held for a little bit of a longer time.

There’s so many variations and you need, wherever you’re going to travel, if you’re going to travel, or whoever you’re going to meet from those different cultures, you need to discover those and, and do some research yourself.

But the basics of what I’ve just spoken about today are going to stand you in so much good stead.

So go away, find your feeling of accomplished pride - what is is that makes you feel so good? What is it that you’ve achieved? Grow the emotion, the feeling, the sensation so it’s there just like that. You can switch it on, you can switch it off and it radiates, it makes you, you know, this more powerful, this more open, this more confident person.

OK.

If you have any questions drop me a line or put something in the comments and I’ll get back to you and don’t forget to Tweet me - watch the other ones for the other tips, the other shows for the other tips. Listen to the other shows for the other tips.

And I will see you next with another great confidence byte!

Thanks for watching - ciao.

‘More Confidence’ What Does It Really Mean?

‘More Confidence’ What Does It Really Mean?

CB009 - ‘More Confidence’ What Does It Really Mean?

I say to you “What is it you want?”, you know, “Do you want more confidence?”

And you say “Yes!”

I say “More confidence? What does that mean to you?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I just want more confidence.”

So let’s assume that I you know, change the subject now and say, we’re walking down the road and you’ve just told me you want more money and I spot on the floor a penny and I say “There you are, pick that penny up.”

And you say “Ach, it’s not enough, it’s too small it’s not worth the effort.”

I say “You wanted more money and now there’s a penny on the floor you don’t want it. Why?”

You say “It’s not enough.”

“It’s more than you had before, it’s one penny more, so why is it you don’t want it?”

And it’s the same with your confidence, if you’re not specific about where you want to be and when you want to be confident, how you want to feel in that situation then it’s very difficult for you to achieve anything because you don’t have a goal.

Listen to the podcast to find out how to get specific and get the confidence help you want.

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Click To Read Show Transcript Now

More Confidence - what Does It really Mean?

Hi there, it’s Stuart again with another exciting episode of Confidence Bytes.

Now, as I’m recording this episode the Olympic Games has just come to a close and whenever I see a big sports event like the Olympic Games or one of the other major events around the world I always think about the player who has a coach, in fact all the players have coaches, but I think about the coaches, the behind the scenes support that these players have.

And this is one of the primary reasons that they’re able to become the superstars that they are, and it’s not limited to players either, if you think about pop stars if you think about, erm, erm, movie stars, if you think about actors in general. The people who do the best are the guys who’ve got the support behind them and why should it be any different with you and your confidence?

Just think about it for a moment…

We all need support. Now when we were younger, possibly we had support from our parents. But sometimes that support may be a little tainted.

You know, I’ve spoken to you about the situation where a father has a child and he plans that this child is going to be ‘this’ when he grows older or when she grows older and he’s adamant that this is going to happen because his child is going to be ‘this’ person. So his support might be a little tainted to his dream and not your dream.

So this is why I have to be a little bit sort of, erm, er, careful with the support we get from our parents. Yes, generally it’s very good, but there are times when it’s a little bit biased one way or the other.

So, let me give you an example of how a good coach can make you perform more powerfully, more strongly than you ever thought possible. And this comes from a video I watched on YouTube and honestly I can’t remember for the life of me the name of the video or whether it was from a movie or what it was about but it’s an American football player and the coach was talking to the team and they were sort of, you know, a good team but they were, you know, down on their luck sort of thing, in the, erm, erm erm, league or whatever it was they were playing in.

And one of the guys, he’s a really big strong, strapping guy. He’s obviously one of the star players, he’s basically saying “What’s the point? We’re beaten anyway. What’s the point?”
And the coach took him to task, he said “OK I want you to, to show me something. I want you to show me how big and strong you really are.” or words to that effect.

“I want you to get down in a crab position on the grass and I want you to be blindfolded and I want you to start walking in the crab position… but to make it harder, let’s put somebody on your back.”

And he took one of the other players and he asked them to sit on his back.

So imagine this guy, you know, big strong guy, he’s in a crab position and he’s got a player on his back and he’s blindfolded and the coach was next to him and said “OK, now start walking forward.”

So the guy starts walking forward a little bit. Obviously it’s difficult you know (laughs) just walking in a crab blindfolded is not too easy but with a full grown guy on your back is even worse.

So this guy starts walking forward and the coach is encouraging him “Go on, just one more step, a bit further.”

And the guy, the players says “No, it’s hurting, I can’t go any further.”

And to cut a long story short, the coach was on his hands and knees shouting encouragement to this player.

The guy was saying “No, I can’t go any further!”

And the guy says, coach says, “You’re nearly there, just one more step, just one more step!” And he kept doing this, and he kept egging his player on, he kept egging the player on… and eventually the coach says “Right, that’s it, you’re finished now. Take off your blindfold.”

And this guy collapsed on the floor groaning, you know (laughs) because he’s just been through one heck of a task.

He took off his blindfold and he turned round and he looked how far he’d come… He had walked, or crawled the whole length of the football field with another guy on his back.

And he was stunned! He was totally, totally stunned.

And the coach said to him “OK, now do you see what you can do if you really want to?”

And just think about that…

He crawled, with a full grown man on his back, the whole length of his football field and because the coach was there by his side encouraging him on and supporting him, with him all the way he did something that he would have never believed achievable.

So what about you?

What is it that you think you can’t achieve, what is it you want from your life that you think is too difficult? Who is on your side? Who is rooting for you? Who’s on the floor with you and just giving you encouragement all that time?

Do you have someone like that?

Well, if you don’t, I su… you know, I respectfully suggest that you find somebody who’s going to be there for you, to help you get the confidence, to help you get the success that you are probably looking for.

Now, earlier I spoke about family and said that you have to be a little bit careful about family, you also have to be careful about others who may have a hidden agenda.

You know, friends may have a hidden agenda, I’ve spoken about this before, family may have a hidden agenda. You need someone who has got no skin in the game for themselves, they just want the best for you whatever that is. Yes, they can give you advice but they should never, ever stop you from going and achieving your dreams.

You need someone who’s impartial, someone who’s going to give you honest, open advice and then let you make the decision because it’s your decision and if you want to make a mistake or you want to do something it’s also your decision because that’s what you need to do learn whatever lessons.

Now obviously, you know, if you’re going to do something totally stupid and try and kill yourself then the coach is going to be a little bit sort of hesitant, you know, and not encourage you to do that. But you know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about somebody who doesn’t want something for themselves, they don’t want your success for themselves…

And that’s, that’s happened with, erm, ahhh, what’s his, err… one of the major tennis players a few years ago was a girl and her father was pushing her for success so that he could bask in the glory. And it happens in quite a few sports fields and, you know, not only sports.

So, you want someone who is there independently for you. It’s about you, it’s about you finding the support you need.

Now, let’s just talk about confidence in general and I say to you, just, let’s, let’s assume we’re having a conversation, I say to you “What is it you want?”, you know, “Do you want more confidence?”

And you say “Yes!”

I say “More confidence? What does that mean to you?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I just want more confidence.”

So let’s assume that I you know, change the subject now and say, we’re walking down the road and you’ve just told me you want more money and I spot on the floor a penny and I say “There you are, pick that penny up.”

And you say “Ach, it’s not enough, it’s too small it’s not worth the effort.”

I say “You wanted more money and now there’s a penny on the floor you don’t want it. Why?”

You say “It’s not enough.”

“It’s more than you had before, it’s one penny more, so why is it you don’t want it?”

And it’s the same with your confidence, if you’re not specific about where you want to be and when you want to be confident, how you want to feel in that situation then it’s very difficult for you to achieve anything because you don’t have a goal.

Okay? You need goals, but you need to have steps, you know, you could say “My goal is to, er, be the president of the United States.” But you’ve go no steps along the way, you’ve got nothing you can start doing right away so you’re unlikely to achieve that goal.

So let’s say you want more confidence ok? When, when do you want to feel more confident? What situation? What times?

Let’s go down into deeper and deeper specifics, let’s talk about, you know, the exact time. The exact situation. Is it in a meeting?

Is it just, erm, walking into a, a, a, you know, a new restaurant and you’re not share, you know, you’re feeling a bit sort of um, edgy because you’re not, erm, sure of the layout and you’re not sure who to go to. What is the situation you want more confidence?

And there could be more than one, it doesn’t matter, write them down, get a piece of paper, write all of them down. Just write, write, write, when you feel you have a lack of confidence. And don’t allow yourself to be swayed by “I just don’t have confidence. I just want more confidence.”

Let’s get specific. Let’s look at one thing, let’s look at one thing and then we work on that, we get the confidence in that situation and you know what happens?

Because you’ve been successful in that situation, other situations you’ll start emulating that success and your confidence issue will start to lessen. So get specific, decide when you want to do it. And look at your list, write the list, say “Ok, what is the one situation I’m going to work on now? What is the most important to me or the most pressing for me in, in, you know, where I am in my life now?”

And it could be that you’re in a, you know, you’re in a company and you have to give a presentation and you don’t have the confidence for your presentation. You’re so scared, you know, that you’re going to get on stage, you’re going to freeze, you know, and all these things so that is your most pressing situation. OK?

Fix that and guess what? All the others will start to lessen because now you’ve fixed a major, major, major thing like that.

So, get your list, start writing down and say “OK, I want more confidence in that situation…”

STOP!

What does ‘more confidence in that situation’ really mean to you?

Think about it.
Does it mean that I’ll be able to talk to more people?

Does it mean that I’ll be able to get my point of view across?

Be as specific, drill down okay? Drill down into the details of what being more confident in that situation means.

Once you’ve done that you need your paper, you start writing down all the things that being more confident in that situation means. And then you look at that and you say - “Okay, what is the smallest thing I can do right this moment to start me being that more confident person?”

And you have your goal, you can see in your ey, minds eye, what this more confident person looks like.

It could be the way they stand, so if it’s the way they stand - what can you do right now to practice your standing in a more confident way? Must you do your ‘Superman pose’ or your ‘Wonder Woman pose’? Must you do your ‘Yeeessss, I’m good’ or must you do any of those things? Because they will start you on that pathway.

And when you’ve done that first thing you look at your list again, what’s the next thing, what’s the next bit? As you’re seeing it as your successes ok, because you’re ticking off… “I’ve done that! Now I’m feeling much better, I’ve got a good posture, now I need to go and practice somewhere, let me go to the supermarket, let me go out here. Let me just practice this, this proud bearing this, this, this better pose…” or whatever it is and then you start doing these things and you make them your life, you make them your habits.

OK?

Because confidence is a habit. You know that.

Confidence is a habit, we’ve spoken about it many times, so you make the good confidence habits, OK?

So, let me just recap, quickly, where we are.

We spoke about a coach and we spoke about the need to have an impartial coach who is there for you.

We spoke about the need to have clear goals with regard to your confidence and within those goals, there could be many, many, situations, but you pick the one that is the most pressing in your life at this moment. If you’re a young, you know, a little bit younger and you don’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and you’re too tongue tied to speak to anybody that could be your most pressing goal.

If you need an interview with your boss about a promotion but you’re too scared to make the time, you know, to book a time to have this interview, that could be your most pressing goal.

So write it down and then start working and look for the smallest thing you can do right now.

Let’s take the interview - “What do I need for the interview if I want to be promoted?”

I need to know why I’m worthy, what are all my good points, what have I brought to the company? I need to start preparing my case and I also need to know where I want to be promoted to and how much money I want.

If I go there and I don’t know these things then, you know, I’m like, I’m likely to get nothing. You know, it’s, it’s the same situation if you go for, you’re brand new, if you go for a job, you haven’t got a job and they say “Ok, how much do you want paying?”

“Errm, it doesn’t matter.”

“Ok, if I pay you $50 a month is that okay?”

“No! No, that’s not ok.”

“But you just told me it didn’t matter.”

“You haven’t bothered to do you homework, it shows me that you’re not really serious…”

So you need to get prepared.

Ok, so think about it ok? Think about those things… write down where, when you want to be more confident. What is the situation? How do you feel right now in those situations? Where, what or how do you want to feel?

OK?

Are there people that you want to emulate?

If so, make a note of them. Do some research, look around, see what you can see and then start identifying the steps that you need to take to get there.

Pick the smallest step. Get it done. Be grateful, congratulate yourself for that success and then move on to the next smallest one and the next smallest one and before you know it your problems will be gone. Your issues will be gone, your confidence will be rising all the time because you’re seeing progress, you’re seeing success.

And success breeds success.

Okay, that’s quite a long diatribe, I’ve not given you much time to think, (chuckles) I’m sorry about that but I get carried away sometimes. But what I suggest is listen again and listen again, get your paper out, take notes look at the transcript that I’m going to put with the video and with the audio.

Look at it, listen to it, read it and then go away and do the steps. And if you want to talk to me you know how to get hold of me, you just go to my website doubleccoaching.com and then you’ll see ‘contact’. Hit ‘contact’ and send me the message and we can communicate from there.

And don’t forget to tweet me if you want, I love getting tweets from you.

Speak to you soon,

Ciao.

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