CB012 - Talking From Authenticity
When talking with others it is important to talk from a place of authenticity rather than focussing upon whether or not you think you might be a ‘fraud’.
The more you try and impress others with ‘big’ words and exaggerated behaviours designed to make others think you are a star, the more you will drive them away. Instead of people thinking how good you are they will view you as shallow and self centered.
If only you focussed on them and allowed your authenticity to drive the conversation then what a difference that would make. Be sure to listen to this exciting episode of Confidence Bytes to find out more. You can choose to watch it on YouTube, download from iTunes, play here on this page or download the show notes by clicking on the relevant button below.
CB012 - Talking From Authenticity
Hi there, it’s Stuart again with another exciting episode of Confidence Bytes and today I want to talk about Authenticity, you know, coming from who you really are.
So let me ask you a question:
Have you ever felt like an imposter - say at work? Have you ever been scared that people will find you out, that you’re not really good enough to do the job you’ve been promoted to or something along those lines?
And because of this you’re always checking, you’re always trying to be someone that you’re not really are.
Maybe, maybe you have, erm, a lot of language that you’ve tried to bring in and it’s not your language, you sound, you know, you use pontifical words or things like that, that really just don’t suit you.
And maybe you’re even using the words which look good in the dictionary but they’re not really in the right context because you’re so focussed that you have to be this super professional person and you have to, you know, never make a mistake.
Well think about this for a second: who is it that somebody wants to speak to? Is it this ‘god’ or is it a real person?
Now I’m pretty sure that you like speaking to real people and maybe you like listening to me because I make mistakes, because I am a real person, I’m not this super perfect person.
What I’m talking about comes from my heart. It comes from my brain as well because I have knowledge, I have an understanding, but it’s more the way I put it across. It’s from the heart which makes me connect with you.
So think about that for a second…
Connecting with another person.
You know, if you are always focussed on - ‘Am I making a mistake? Do I sound good? Is that the right word? Is that the right phrase? Do people think I’m an imposter?’ - what message are you giving the other people?
You’re giving the message of insecurity, you’re giving a message of ‘I don’t trust myself, I don’t believe in myself.’ And you’re also giving the message that you’re wrapped up in yourself. You’re not communicating with, you’re projecting something which is not real, it’s artificial, so you can’t be engaging because you’re looking inward all the time.
You’re not looking at the other person, you’re not appreciating the other person, you’re wondering whether they’re going to ‘find you out’, you’re thinking negatively about yourself.
So, what can you do to change that?
Well, obviously it’s so easy to say - ‘Have belief in yourself’ - but where does that belief come from? How can you generate that belief?
Well, if you’re talking about something, let’s say, erm, there’s a topic that comes up. You need to talk from your own knowledge of that topic and, you know, if we take a work situation, you’re not 100% sure, do some homework.
Find out about it so you can talk from a place of genuine knowledge and then put your personality into it - “I’ve read this and this is what I think.” - not “This is what it is!” - “What I think”, “This is my interpretation of what I’ve read, what do you think?” - Make the connection, become engaged and listen to the other person okay?
Stop thinking about whether you’ve made a mistake, you know, if I make this video and I’m talking to you and I’m focussed on ‘Am I making a mistake?’, ‘Have I got my words right?’, ‘Have I got this?’, ‘Do I sound convincing?’ - all these things… What happens is you switch off - because I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to myself, I’m worried about myself.
Now obviously I don’t want to make mistakes. Now obviously I want to be, you know, to give you a genuine message but I have the knowledge, I’ve done some research beforehand and I’ve worked with people, I’ve got experience, so I am focussed on you…
I’m trying to give you the message in the best way I can with my abilities. I’m hoping that I’ve got enough skill and I’ve got enough knowledge that you resonate with my message. If you do, that’s great. If not, you know, well maybe you’re not the person who needs to be listening to me, maybe someone else has got the same message and it will resonate with you more.
And if I’m making too many mistakes then you can write to me, you can send a comment and say “Look Stuart, you, you need to do this, you need to do that, you need to do that…” and I will take it to heart - not take, take it to heart - I will take it on board without taking it to heart and being upset by it. I will say “Thank you. Thank you for being honest with me and telling me what you feel.”
Because, you know, I can’t learn, I can’t get better unless you talk to me. I can’t get better unless you communicate with me because communication is a two way street. It’s not me lecturing, it’s me communicating with you.
So let’s go back to our work situation where, you know, let’s call him John, he feels he’s an imposter. You know, he’s scared of being found out that he doesn’t know enough.
Well, heres’s the fist thing. If he doesn’t know enough then he needs to do some homework, you know, find out more knowledge okay. Get some more information and also be asking genuine questions so he can get that knowledge, it can help him, you know, get that knowledge. But he needs to, you know, think about who he’s talking to and focus on them, not focus on - “Am I coming across as knowledgable?”, “Am I coming across as this?” or “Am I coming across as that?” - he needs too focus on them and communicate with them.
He needs to be listening to them and saying to himself - ‘OK, are they understanding my message? If not then I need to change the message and deliver it in a slightly different way so that they can understand it.’ - but not focus on: ‘Mistake. Am I making a mistake?’, ‘ Did I make the wrong choice of words?’, ‘Did I do this?’
And you know, this type of thing is also something which crucifies people when they have to give a presentation. They stand on the stage and they focus on “I mustn’t make a mistake!” - Ok, they’re looking inside, I’ve closed my eyes because I’m looking inside, I’m looking at mistakes, I’m looking ‘Do I know this, am I confident to do this?’ and - forget, forget, forget!
You know, I’ve given many presentations and I go on there and I make mistakes, I drop things, I say the wrong things - (laughs) I laugh at myself because I made a mistake. But you know, it’s no problem, I can always get back and, you know, if, if, if, erm, I say something which comes out a little bit jumbled or the words are wrong who cares?
The audience don’t because they are listening to a person. Someone who’s connecting and engaged with them not someone who’s inwardly focussed and foc… focussing on ‘Don’t make a mistake.’, ‘ I’m not this, I’m not that.’, ‘That didn’t sound right…’ and then just freezing up ok.
Maybe I walk on stage and I trip - ‘dink’ (laughs) - I laugh at it! Make a joke of it, make a focal point out of it. And, you know, that reminds me of, erm, a story, errr, a true story actually, it was in a book I read called Provocative Hypnosis by - sigh - Jorgen Rasmussen.
He had a client who came to him and this client was petrified of giving a presentation so after a bit of discussion and everything else Jorgen said to him, he said: “I want you, on your next presentation, to go on that stage and I want you to say to the audience that ‘I am petrified and I hope that you all laugh at me because somebody might get, as well get some benefit from it, somebody might as well have some fun out of it because I’m not going to be doing that.’
And, you know, he did this, he was a little bit reluctant but he did this. And you know what happened?
The whole audience laughed, the whole audience warmed to him and it took that fear away from him so that he was able to communicate at a proper level at a friendly level as though he was talking to a friend. Just like I’m talking to you who are my friends.
So think about that. When is it that you are petrified of being found out?
And what is it you’re really petrified of? Making mistakes, being an imposter or something deeper?
Probably something deeper, maybe these surface level things, but, again, if you don’t genuinely have the knowledge, get the knowledge.
And then put it into your words and communicate on a proper way just like you would to a friend, with the other person be aware of their actions, listen to them and adjust your delivery and maybe the word choices so they can get the message, the message that you are putting across - OK.
That’s the important point, get that message, ok, and if you’re talking to more than one person, if you’re talking to a big audience, you’re still only talking to ‘one’ person, you can look at each person in turn and you communicate with them individually.
You don’t just, like I’ve seen many people (looks at ceiling rigidly) “dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah,” and that’s it - it’s just talking from in the head to the clouds.
They’re not talking to anybody so that disconnect is there.
So, that was a quick tip, I’ve got a really exciting interview coming up next program. It’s with a wonderful woman and she’s talking about how you can add value to your life and other people’s lives in, you know, just little things you do can add value and how they can have remarkable effects.
So you stay tuned for the next program because that really is going to be very, very special. This woman is a wonderful woman, I’ve just got off the phone with her from a preliminary chat and I tell you she’s got some wonderful advice for you.
So, I’m looking forward to seeing you next program where I’ll have a special guest, Virginia Phillips and she has got some wonderful, wonderful things to share with you.
So have a great day and just think about communication, connecting with the other people, don’ think about ‘Am I making mistakes?’ don’t think about ‘Am I an imposter?’ - just think about communicating and then build your confidence around the fact that people want to communicate with you because you have value for them.
Thanks for watching.
See you next time.